the stars in California

the stars in california look like little pieces of my heart all spread around in the sky.

i wonder if anyone can see the pieces of me reflected in them as i see them, if their thoughts cross paths with mine.

this was a little drawing made before the solar eclipse.

a precursor to what was coming, release, clarification, understanding that there are two ways to look at the same thing.

two sides to everything,  maybe even more.

espirito santo is burning in my room, a long candle with a dove's wings lit up.

all these people flash before my eyes, these souls who i've connected with, on this level in such a brief lapse of time. time makes no sense and expands and grows in this way that is similar to space 

endless and immeasurable.

i just signed up for another ten day silent meditation retreat, i can hear the coyotes outside howling.

so many voices that sound familiar with my heart.

Vipassana, the name of the retreat, means to see things as they really are.

i wonder how often we are clouded by thoughts, negativity, the external world, internal struggles, and I wonder if we begin to stop seeing things in front of us.

I dreamt the other night of my eye fogging over, i couldn't see through it at all.

I was in a situation that felt wrong and until i pulled myself out of it did the fog clear away.

The next day I sat staring at the solar eclipse, later my eyes became sore and these two experiences

dream, and reality, or vice verse, seemed to correlate and cross over in such comprehensible ways.

the art of seeing.

i made a drawing titled

"in case i lose my sight

all things full circle."

after all, everything is a circle, a cycle, one experience bringing us to the next.

later i sat making lots of watercolor paintings, i decided, well if i'm going to go blind i might as well live it up and paint while i can. :)

i found a song called "everything is simple in the moonlight."

atleast things are illuminated, thats for sure.

I remember being isolated in the village in India, the moon became one of my closest friends and allies out there, this familiar source of light, regeneration and familiarity in such a foreign place.

She seemed to wink at me when things got tough or lonely.

although that feeling never lasted quite so long, as children seemed to continuously grab me by my center and squeeze this intense unconditional love into me

listen to the sound of the earth.

i've been trying to do that more.

listen to the wind, the birds, the trees, water, the night sky.

i taught a yoga class the other day in Santa Cruz and one boy who decided not to participate but

rather watch from a window told me

" i wish i had done yoga with you all, i like the way you did that back opener with your ear to the earth, adds another element."

true dat yo.

i've been streaming together videos on love.

its a topic.

its more than a topic, a topic is an under statement.

its something that fathoms, astounds and amazes me.

i find it in the most subtle situations.

a smile, a touch, a hug, a letter, a dinner, a wish, a drawing, words,

giving, receiving.

strangers, close friends, distant friends, family.

in India it was bestowed upon me all the time, in the US its the same.

its whatever you make it and where ever you attract it.

it can be overwhelming.

like swimming in the ocean.

beautiful and wonderful and intense.

what to do with all the waves this heart can feel?

i've moved back to California, which even for me was a surprise, I guess thats why it also makes sense.

time to root and ground a bit like a tree.

i see mexico in the future, on the horizon, central america, south america.

but in good time.

when i've made the connections with the souls who want to create explore, film and capture there together.

magic and intentions.

it will happen.

gratitude to all the guides in my life.

the support, help, guidance, inspiration, forgiveness and allowance.

allowing me to come in and out of your lives as i do, like a bird who perches, nests, explores and 

returns.

you're always in my heart.

rest. and growth.

its about midnight, and this about sums up my thoughts for the night.

cycles.

china.


chicago..

and a friend from the train from the South to the North of India.

my world has flipped me upside down about 7 times sinceI've last written here.

go figure.

here.

there.

up .

down.

sideways.

sidewards.

still.

slow.

fast.

gone.

again.

and again

and again.

cycles.

transformation.

I dreamt of caterpillars coming from tree's the other night. Vince trying to pull them off, they'd turn into branches as soon as you looked closely.

he said "hmm transformation".

I'm so so sleepy.

its one of those good tired moments, lots of living, lots ofmovement, lots of "oh wow, really?" life moments.

a rocket just went off somewhere and I leave India tomorrow.

this was started about two weeks ago.

I left India in a rush, spent some time in China, and flew out of Bejing one new moon ago.

Aka yesterday.

arrived back in the US. to a sunny living room and sunny people.

so many beautiful things have happened in the past few months that I'm not sure I can even begin to describe them.

I was able to spend time with my Indian family in Delhi before I left. these souls that I just met this year but by the time I left I had felt like I had known them a few lifetimes.

Its funny how 2 mths can stretch into lives.

I was able to work on a farm and sleep under a mosquito net in a place called the bird cage and stay at a bamboo research center and learn how to draw on bamboo.

the clouds seem to be standing still now and I went and got a burrito and was Amazed at the size of it. i forgot how some portions in the US are other worldy, it would have taken 4 of me to finish it.

But the sun is out and my friend just made some strawberry lime lemonade, it feels right where I am.

Cozy, like a cat.

I can't really decipher which part of my life is dream, sleep or waking.

so here are a few photos to describe things as of recent:

dancingmen..a school in China.adorable woman who loved the camera. a wish, with a sweet drawing.and my mom's a babe.

I'm state-side again.

Hello USA, you seem strangely foreign.

and yet as familiar as an old glove.

open eyes, fresh eyes, new experiences, everything changing.

change as the only constant.

and i'm grateful for it all.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xVrFkHg-SbE&feature=youtu.be

innocence

love.

love is innocence

innocence is the counterpart of gods mind.

it's ego,

ego is no difference between the inner and outer.

its very hard to be innocent.

-julie.

from the airport

(10 more hours left here, i've made a new friend at the airport and she is telling me lots and lots and lots and LOTS of stories)

the holidays yo

So it's been about a month.
And the holiday's are here.

I'm missing my family quite a bit cause, well I'm overseas, and separated from a lot of people I care about.
Last winter I remember running around in the midst of Chicago, freezing my butt off, wrapping little gifts, and saying good bye to everyone before I headed to Christmas in California.
I was living in the ballroom then and Jake and I would DJ Christmas songs over the amp in the living room/ ballroom. I'd spin around in that big wide open space and try to deck out the place with candles and holiday cheer as much as I could.
A year later and I'm here in India, the same song- N'sync Christmas, the one that Jake cracked up at me choosing and then walked out the door to work, is playing here in this little computer room.
Its one of the warmest spots in the village.
The cora (fog in hindi) is so thick right now, like a heavy blanket of midst, and at night time it feels like this surreal dream land and I fell into.

I had to say good bye to this little boy yesterday, along with so many faces I love. I'm leaving the village tomorrow, headed to Delhi first and then off to Thailand to see family.
Every wish I've collected lately seems to do with family, and each time it's like a little squeeze at my heart, a gab at a bruise or a pick at a scab.
Being a wanderer has its pro's and cons.

My good bye here consisted of a sort of dance -band -parade in front of the school.
Neetu drapped a hand stitched orange flower lay around my neck and then all the women said a sort of prayer and smeared this red vermillion paint on my third eye.
I was laughing and smiling the whole time, and then my heart was sort of crying inside.
All these cycles, and people you meet, who amaze you, who you have to say good bye to.

I went to the hotel yesterday and had my last cup of 12 cent (5 ruppee) chai.
I will miss those dearly, and especially my little friend Kajal who lives above the shop.
I wonder where some of these kids got these smiles from, if they know just how incredible they are.

When Kanika, my friend from Delhi, came to visit on my birthday she read a story to the my class 4 kids about a chicken who was always in a hurry, never wanting to help others.
Kabeer, the boy above, raised his hand at the end and said some beautiful truth about how we should help others. One boy Harjot said in Hindi that, the chicken's mother was in such a hurry when she was having the baby that when the chic came out he was also in a hurry for all his life. Cause and effect.
It was so incredible how he recognized how the energy we carry effects other people so greatly, the idea that how you are brought into this world, your circumstances, will have an effect on your nature in life.
When I was born I stayed in the womb for 36 minutes after my twin brother.
I'm not sure what that means, but I know I like my own space and I know I like to be cozy and warm and bundled in my little nests. And solitude finds me often.

" The 12 days of Christmas" is playing and I had to switch it because that songs is just annoying.
Ha. Anyways, it's 6:30, my bones are cold, and I want to go rest in my room.
These last few photos show a few moments from my last days.
The fires I find around school that I huddle into, little Shree's feet on a Rickshaw as we head to the market to get some Christmas presents, and another smile from one of the cheekiest boys at the school.
He teaches me hindi words and then gets crazy excited when I say them, I ask him his wishes and he says to me "you're speaking nonsense, just take the photo." I grab his little cheeks and try to give him a kiss and he runs circles around me.

Happy holiday everyone.
I miss you all.