the beginning of october

the 6th of October.

I keep seeing 10:10 each time i look at a clock.
Someone told me recently that 10:10 signify's new beginnings.
here's to new beginnings!


a few nights ago i had a manifestation drawing and dinner here with an amazing circle of people.
I explained how over the past year each time I wanted to see something happen I drew it out first as a visual for myself.
One of my beautiful muse friends, Amy Jenkins, taught me this before I moved to India.
I remember she asked me, "what do you want?"
-"Money"
-"Why? Get Specific."
-"So I can take care of myself, and go to India to make a film and share beauty and magic with others and share my life.."
She said, "Ok- draw it."

We were at a diner, on a napkin I drew myself sitting on a elephant with a camera filming, with bags of "funds- $" on either side of me to do it.
 A few months later and this would be the reality.

India ended and after I returned I started to long for a place to call my own.

So again, I drew it.

If you saw my home now, you'd see it looks a lot like this, with the mountains in the window, tea cups on a tables, tarot on shelves, and magic littered around. :)

I've drawn out my most recent set of wishes and intentions, this includes the winter solstice in Mexico, Screenings in New York, SF and LA, finishing two major projects and nurturing and growing in a relationship by staying present and trusting.

In the circle everyone drew out their wishes, and Ben led verbal sharing of intentions and blessings for the group. Everyone really opened up and became so vulnerable, we're all just humans, and being able to express what you need and want is so important. Faith, being the main driving force behind anything.
I went to a workshop/circle in long beach recently and the doctor in the group said-
"Every time you doubt yourself it disempowers you"

i found a few other things from one of my wish books that stuck out to me.

it is the beginning of october.

what will you visualize for yourself from here on out?

all my lovin.

there is a record playing in my room.

Its "Dusk at New Hope, Pennsylvania" off an album called Environments.
It's just crickets and the symphony of dusk, the tune of nature.
This song is playing over it and there are certain chords that just play everything in my heart:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1OvKhEkTzU

I watched a film called "La Belle Vert" tonight.

I watched this woman go from living in nature with a huge community to the city of Paris.

For some reason I thought of this moment in India, before I left when i said "Kripiya bhaiya,( please brother) what if I was your sister?"
It was at the airport when i was getting fees for overweight baggage. The fee was two hundred dollars.
He looked me in the eyes and then slowly looked down and said "I cant..." Which I knew was really "well..." a few moments later he gave me my boarding pass and forgot about the fee.
What if we all did just treat everyone as our immediate family?

I also thought of this one time I was on the bus in Chicago.
I boarded with no money and I was trying to be silent that day.
I looked in my pockets and found some gems and some colorful glints of confetti.
I handed it to the bus driver and smiled.

He looked down.
 He smiled back at me with a sort of curiosity and wonderment
He nodded and I went to the back of the bus and sat down.

In those days I used to photograph my shadow a lot, I'd document my travel to and from school, often distracted by the beautifully mundane moments of life.

I watched a cat eat a bird yesterday.

I heard the bird squealing first and my ears propped up like an animals,
Then the cat ran across my path with the bird in its mouth.
Rose was with me and her jaw dropped,  and she said
"circle of life" as she clasped her face.
We both laughed because really we didn't know what else to do.
So real.

i asked her what the human heart was.
she said it was "a rythmn, a beat, something that all things have, well all living things."
She said "they tell us it stops when we're dead but it just turns into something else."

A man at work the day before told me, "you do what you can with what you have."

He spoke for awhile and this one thing stuck out in a way where i found myself repeating it in my head,  the way one repeats a new phrase in a foreign language, "the facts aren't always sharp but the feelings are always clear."

it reminded me of dreams, of love, conversations, moments, where the details fall but the feelings are clear.
something like the desert or a sunset.
I can't always recall the details of these things but I know the way they make me feel.

the stars in California

the stars in california look like little pieces of my heart all spread around in the sky.

i wonder if anyone can see the pieces of me reflected in them as i see them, if their thoughts cross paths with mine.

this was a little drawing made before the solar eclipse.

a precursor to what was coming, release, clarification, understanding that there are two ways to look at the same thing.

two sides to everything,  maybe even more.

espirito santo is burning in my room, a long candle with a dove's wings lit up.

all these people flash before my eyes, these souls who i've connected with, on this level in such a brief lapse of time. time makes no sense and expands and grows in this way that is similar to space 

endless and immeasurable.

i just signed up for another ten day silent meditation retreat, i can hear the coyotes outside howling.

so many voices that sound familiar with my heart.

Vipassana, the name of the retreat, means to see things as they really are.

i wonder how often we are clouded by thoughts, negativity, the external world, internal struggles, and I wonder if we begin to stop seeing things in front of us.

I dreamt the other night of my eye fogging over, i couldn't see through it at all.

I was in a situation that felt wrong and until i pulled myself out of it did the fog clear away.

The next day I sat staring at the solar eclipse, later my eyes became sore and these two experiences

dream, and reality, or vice verse, seemed to correlate and cross over in such comprehensible ways.

the art of seeing.

i made a drawing titled

"in case i lose my sight

all things full circle."

after all, everything is a circle, a cycle, one experience bringing us to the next.

later i sat making lots of watercolor paintings, i decided, well if i'm going to go blind i might as well live it up and paint while i can. :)

i found a song called "everything is simple in the moonlight."

atleast things are illuminated, thats for sure.

I remember being isolated in the village in India, the moon became one of my closest friends and allies out there, this familiar source of light, regeneration and familiarity in such a foreign place.

She seemed to wink at me when things got tough or lonely.

although that feeling never lasted quite so long, as children seemed to continuously grab me by my center and squeeze this intense unconditional love into me

listen to the sound of the earth.

i've been trying to do that more.

listen to the wind, the birds, the trees, water, the night sky.

i taught a yoga class the other day in Santa Cruz and one boy who decided not to participate but

rather watch from a window told me

" i wish i had done yoga with you all, i like the way you did that back opener with your ear to the earth, adds another element."

true dat yo.

i've been streaming together videos on love.

its a topic.

its more than a topic, a topic is an under statement.

its something that fathoms, astounds and amazes me.

i find it in the most subtle situations.

a smile, a touch, a hug, a letter, a dinner, a wish, a drawing, words,

giving, receiving.

strangers, close friends, distant friends, family.

in India it was bestowed upon me all the time, in the US its the same.

its whatever you make it and where ever you attract it.

it can be overwhelming.

like swimming in the ocean.

beautiful and wonderful and intense.

what to do with all the waves this heart can feel?

i've moved back to California, which even for me was a surprise, I guess thats why it also makes sense.

time to root and ground a bit like a tree.

i see mexico in the future, on the horizon, central america, south america.

but in good time.

when i've made the connections with the souls who want to create explore, film and capture there together.

magic and intentions.

it will happen.

gratitude to all the guides in my life.

the support, help, guidance, inspiration, forgiveness and allowance.

allowing me to come in and out of your lives as i do, like a bird who perches, nests, explores and 

returns.

you're always in my heart.

rest. and growth.

its about midnight, and this about sums up my thoughts for the night.

cycles.

china.


chicago..

and a friend from the train from the South to the North of India.

my world has flipped me upside down about 7 times sinceI've last written here.

go figure.

here.

there.

up .

down.

sideways.

sidewards.

still.

slow.

fast.

gone.

again.

and again

and again.

cycles.

transformation.

I dreamt of caterpillars coming from tree's the other night. Vince trying to pull them off, they'd turn into branches as soon as you looked closely.

he said "hmm transformation".

I'm so so sleepy.

its one of those good tired moments, lots of living, lots ofmovement, lots of "oh wow, really?" life moments.

a rocket just went off somewhere and I leave India tomorrow.

this was started about two weeks ago.

I left India in a rush, spent some time in China, and flew out of Bejing one new moon ago.

Aka yesterday.

arrived back in the US. to a sunny living room and sunny people.

so many beautiful things have happened in the past few months that I'm not sure I can even begin to describe them.

I was able to spend time with my Indian family in Delhi before I left. these souls that I just met this year but by the time I left I had felt like I had known them a few lifetimes.

Its funny how 2 mths can stretch into lives.

I was able to work on a farm and sleep under a mosquito net in a place called the bird cage and stay at a bamboo research center and learn how to draw on bamboo.

the clouds seem to be standing still now and I went and got a burrito and was Amazed at the size of it. i forgot how some portions in the US are other worldy, it would have taken 4 of me to finish it.

But the sun is out and my friend just made some strawberry lime lemonade, it feels right where I am.

Cozy, like a cat.

I can't really decipher which part of my life is dream, sleep or waking.

so here are a few photos to describe things as of recent:

dancingmen..a school in China.adorable woman who loved the camera. a wish, with a sweet drawing.and my mom's a babe.

I'm state-side again.

Hello USA, you seem strangely foreign.

and yet as familiar as an old glove.

open eyes, fresh eyes, new experiences, everything changing.

change as the only constant.

and i'm grateful for it all.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xVrFkHg-SbE&feature=youtu.be

innocence

love.

love is innocence

innocence is the counterpart of gods mind.

it's ego,

ego is no difference between the inner and outer.

its very hard to be innocent.

-julie.

from the airport

(10 more hours left here, i've made a new friend at the airport and she is telling me lots and lots and lots and LOTS of stories)