New Beginnings

there are these moments, where i just want to bottle life up.

the beauty and love of it.

the magic, the unpredictability.

I fell asleep on the lake a few nights ago with my italian family.

I looked around and asked Otto, "should we move off the dock so we don't get cold?"

He nodded, i put my head down and he began stroking my hair, I will never forget how good that felt or the beauty of the simple gestures. It was so soothing. 

I began traveling with this amazing italian brother and sister.

I knew these two for only a week but it definitely felt like life times.

Strange how that can happen. I had never fallen so in love with siblings like this before.

Everything about how they were together and how they were independently.

Otto shared the same birthday as me and every time I looked at him I felt something that would make me smile.

Lea was this fire-y beauty who would make friends anywhere we'd go. Fearless and trusting of the world.

There was this theme of acceptance and humor in everything.

We hitch-hiked across Mexico. Snuck in and enjoyed the ruins, we're basically adopted by a family traveling from Vera Cruz and would eat all sorts of delicious food together.

I miss them already, but also felt it was time for me to go to Puerto Morelos, I will see them before they go, I have to.

I need those hugs and that warmth one more time on this trip.

So It's been about a week and a half since I left the little home I lived in in San Cristobal Mexico.

So much has happened.
I've been traveling with this sweet Brit whose always on the guitar, nice to have continual back ground music to life.
My skin is warm today from the sun's kiss yesterday. A soft pink/red all over.
I swam in the ocean to cleanse away all the fears or doubts that the mind had felt from leaving people I got so close too- separation can be hard!
But i read today in the dao, "you can't lose what you do not grasp."
While traveling expectations can rise and fall, nostalgia can come up, fear, all sorts of things, its really this dance of continually plunging into the unknown and surrendering. And then more magic and blessings ensue.

After San Cristobal and before hitch-hiking we headed to this "Shaman community" about an hour away.
We arrived to this little nature haven next to a stream and I immediately fell in love with it.
Sylvain, the women who runs it showed me a dorm where the "two italians" we're staying.
Little did I know how strong of a connection it would be, but my intuition told me to stay there.

Everyone there was from all over Mexico and other places a bit.
Everyone would eat together and help out with things around the land.

The first night we watched a movie about the Mayans.
The next day we hiked through the hills and then swam in the stream.
Every person there carried something with them that was unique and open and beautiful.
I immediately bonded with Lea and her brother Otto.
I loved the way they we're with each other, funny, understanding and loving.


My second night there I got to do a Temazcal (sweat lodge) with a family and Marzos, Sylvain's partner. It was so powerful.
I had been wanting to do one so badly and the it just appeared.
Marzos told me the ceremony was full but for some reason I didn't believe it, I just saw myself there. 
I went and meditated next to the alter, in the sun, my desire to be in it was strong but with time I let go of it, I realized that no matter what, whether I could join or not, it would be perfect.
It was only then, when my desire was gone, did Marzos come up and tell me I was going to be a part of the ceremony.

Me and the family that was going in smiled and laughed, they knew how badly I wanted to sing.
We saged, did a prayer around the alter and entered.
The heat was so nice, I love the way you can just feel it engulf you, like actual flames burning what you don't need.
After Marzos used his shell flute and sang he asked me if I had a song.
A sang a ceremony song in english loud and echoing, it felt so good.

There were 4 different times to open the doors to let cool air in.
Each time was different and at one point we all began massaging each other's toe's.
The ceremony ended with this prayer a young girl did for me over my heart, to create more space in my heart, releasing the old. Her and everyone's words echoed the room in Spanish, it was sooo incredible and we all howled at the end like wolves and laughed and smiled.
After we got out we jumped in the stream as the last light of the day was leaving.

Everything was sort of pastel colored.
So much gratitude.

This is what happens when I look at the stars, I look and see them smiling and think- "thank you- even in moments of doubt - thank you."
It's all aligned.

I arrived in Puerto Morelos two days ago, to this sweet man's house with Robin and to a friend who I had done ceremony with in December.
She is creating a healing center here in the most magical place I have ever seen, wood and art and white and nature. I don't know how she found it but it's a gift to manifest her dreams.
I interviewed her for the Wish Book and drew her. It was inspiring to see someone so actively pursuing and doing what they believed in.
Following the heart.

Either today or tomorrow I get to see one of the most magical friends in my life from NY. My little chocolate maker, yogi Austin from NY.
It will be so nice to see someone from the states who I love so much.

I spoke to a friend Camilla today and we picked words for each other, I gave her "sillyness" and she gave me faith and said;
"see what you want/are headed towards like a clear blue light/tunnel
and follow it!
you will get there"

It was so nice to hear.

Then she gave me this happy song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=II9SL6xPBJU

mmmmmm, happpyyyyy day.
More magic to ensue, enjoy and love.
New moon in Leo tomorrow! Time to shine. :)

Evolution

I'm sitting in the courtyard of the home I've been living in for the past week and a half.
The sun is out, the walls are orange, and pots with flowers are in each corner of the open area.
Matias, my friends 18 year old son, is pulling beautifully smelling wood chips out of wood he has while listening to the Garden State soundtrack.

It's funny to listen to this soundtrack I remember from high school, 7 years ago, trying to recollect my 18 year old self.

The older I get, sometimes the younger I feel. Old and young.
The skies are so clear today.
I just finished a mango I bought from a street vendor for 5 pesos and I'm lounging in this bright yellow chair.

Everything sort of feels like its standing still.
Mali just got home and gave me ice cream she made from berries and yogurt.

My tummy is happy and full.
Life is such a curious ever changing evolution. And yet, the clouds are always the same. They come and they go, they are white or they are grey. I am me , you are you, I am you, you are me.
En la' kesh. This phrase I really learned and started using this past winter.
I am another you.

little ceremony we had last night for the end of the mayan year.

i found this on my friends blog and really liked it:

Confidence. I'll take a scoop of that right now. Leaving a place I've gotten comfortable in is hard, and yet I do it continually, and I have learned that every little leap of faith and risk I take is generally rewarded or leads me to somewhere beautiful, even in spite of challenge.

Sometimes you gotta work for it.

and this Ram Dass image I love:

I remember my friend's Nani in India told me once, that every person we come in contact with, that we even brush on the shoulders with, we are meant to. 
What an interesting and beautiful idea. I think of so many people who have touched my life and left such echoes on it. 
It can almost be overwhelming to think, that everything is already planned, and yet at the same time we have so much freedom. It's like am I writing the book, or is it writing me?

mysteryyyyyy.

and then with all these questions I look at the sky and think what does it even matter?
Ha.

I worked with this healer earlier this year who was all about laughter.
I asked him why people got so worried about things while I was bursting out laughing, he said
"because they're just loaded with too much stuff!"

I laughed for about 20 minutes straight. And even now I think of one of my best friend's tattoo's that says NOMA. Nothing Matters.
Its like it all matters, we have to be aware, and yet we also have to continually let go, because it doesn't matter.

"You are what you think you are." C. S. Lewis.

and now to listen to this little jingle....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9gK2fOq4MY

enjoy your life

its yours for the living.

i found this image from over a year ago that I took in NY. i still love it.

Guatemala to Mexico

It's my last night in Antigua, Guatemala. In the morning I head to Mexico.

I'm not really sure how to explain the strange love affair I had with this city.

The way I fell in love with the sky and the clouds on the mountains and volcanoes.

The two brothers who run the hostel I stay at, the way one of them says over and over "Mucho gusto Bird, Mucho Gusto"

The cats and the bunny who hops around the place

The loud streets even, the bumpy stones all over them, the way you can really feel yourself walk.

The food in the market.

 The food in the morning, either pancakes or egg sandwiches, I never knew I liked either.

Tamar, the woman I lived with. The way she would decorate herself and others, putting feather headbands on everyone, encouraging all of us to see our own beauty.

The earth lodge, a little haven in the hills that saved me one night.

Lunch with an unexpected soul sister from Alburqurque.

The smiles and love of the kids I met.

All the unexpected souls I met and interviewed, the one's who shared bits and pieces of themselves with me.

One's who reflected things I knew and didn't know where there in my heart.

The colors, and the smiles of people on the street.

Some love affairs are brief, it feels I've been here for a strangely long lapse of time and yet at the same time it feels I am moving so quickly. 

But I trust, I accept, to fall in love with a place and the people, but also know there is more to explore.

Today I went to this weaving workshop in a town next to here, I couldn't decide if I should head to Xela or just head to Mexico, but I couldn't leave without saying goodbye to Raul, I skyped a friend and he told me, "don't make the decision, let the decision make you."

It was getting late and if I wanted to head to Xela I needed to leave soon, some girls said they were going to a weaving workshop and I said I want to go, and did. Left Raul a note to book my shuttle for the morning and left, the decision became simple.

It was nice to see all these beautiful patterns this woman made, she talked about the ceremonial aspects of it and then we watched this beautiful little girl show us how it was done. It was amazing to see her tiny hands and arms work the large object that contained the weaving.

I've received so many unexpected gifts.

I want to write more about the three weeks I've spent here and I'm just not sure how to.

It's been a wonderful blessing to rest, create and be in. To be inspired, to learn and to grow and work on the Wish Book in. To experience that wish come to fruition and see all the angels who supported.

I call in more magic for Mexico, ask that I am lead, guided, protected and that I may find beautiful communities to document, share and create in.

More wishes to collect and more videos to make that inspire.

May I be a tool.

May everyone love their dreams.

May you know how special you are.

May you paint and feel everything with your whole heart.

Remember what you have is now, and the future is your place to plant your own seeds to grow.

It's all blank canvas.

I'm so grateful to all the support in my life on this journey.

L'chaim.

Here's to life and all of it's surprises.
the message i received from this book in the market the other day:

sometimes i don't even understand the forces, but i just keep hearing the same thing;
to just
Show Up.

openness

this morning I am listening to this:
http://soundcloud.com/ivymeadows/sagitari

This lulling dream music over and over.
It's one of those creations in life that just makes me feel so so much.
I love that humans have the capacity to create such beauty through art and music, it blows my mind.

Lately I have been coming in contact with so many beautiful souls here, I didn't expect to stay in Antigua this long, but I also didn't feel any rush to move on.
It was sort of just like, yes, this is where you are going to stay for a bit.

I've been thinking about the echoes we leave, the ripples on lives. The small things that people can say or do that can stick with you for so long. The big things, the way everything we experience depends on our perception of them and how everything has an effect thats greater then zero. How we change those perceptions, how we view ourselves, our relationships, our lives is all in our hands really. I think perception is really the one and only factor we can control.
Openness.

That is my word of the day, openness to whatever it is that comes.
Allowing all the questions to exist, all the fears but not getting stuck in them.
They are just there.

What does it mean to live your life entirely in your heart?

i read this quote the other day " trust your heart above all else and never worry about consequences."
i think the main thing I am learning continually is we never know whats right for the other guy, only what is right for us, and if we can drop all of the stories or voices that aren't ours in our hearts or heads we can move more freely, but its about changing conditioning. Unlearning, forgiveness and serious acceptance of the self and encouragement. We have to be our own best friends.

This video was taken a few days ago here, I was really inspired by this girl who had a tatto on her foot she got with her best friend who had passed recently.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OHMFmHQVd1M&feature=youtu.be

I dont think any of us can actually avoid heartache, we can only figure out how to deal with it. How to ask for support, how to get the lesson from it, how to love ourselves more deeply and forgive everything.

And the next thing is showing up, man really showing up fully when your heart asks you too.
I think thats a most recent wish of mine, to show up fully with how I feel and not run away from my own truths. Even if they don't make sense to me, I dont think love or life can always be rationally understood. There is a freedom in showing up, regardless of the outcomes.



I am still collecting wishes and documenting, I really want to head to Mexico next, because I hear there is amazing Magic in Oaxaca that I really want to document. I feel this pull there and I want to see what ripples can be found, how I can also be an instrument in some way and work with people and kids.

here is some magic from my journal, wishes and such;

here are some more vidoes here,

last few days to raise funds :)

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/courtneybird/the-wish-book-central-america

every little bit counts 

i loveeee you

breaking open

the other day i heard that we can get insight into ourself when we experience misery or heartache.
It's like the heart breaks open and we are able to go into it.

today i feel my heart breaking a lot, ive decided not to turn it off, i think the only way out is through as they say.
so through i go.
into the deepest parts of my heart.
healing is a process, and all i can think about, is how did i get to this point?
if i create my own reality, how and why is what I keep asking?

i think of dark and light.
i think of trust.
i think of losing everything to gain anything.
i think the darkest hour always comes before the dawn.
i think all is in divine order even when i cannot see it.

i think of these faces as blessings

:

this man told me about how everything that happens good or bad is from above, so be happy :)

i listen to this music:

http://soundcloud.com/ivymeadows

i will be moving again soon.

thank you california chapter.

I feel you coming to a close.

show em what we hide

show em what we hide

that line is coming from a song my friend just sent me from his new album.
so good.

i am listening to music and writing next to a fire outside under the full moon.
the fire goes out every so often and my dad puts more wood on, the crackles burst and as i move closer I wonder if any embers will jump out at me.

they don't though and i continue to look at the moon in the sky as she climbs a little higher each time i look up at her.
She's such a perfect lamp in the sky and I recall the sunset just a few hours ago.
Foggy pastels and smeared blurs of murky light pinks, blues and yellows.

so much has changed and yet nothing seems to have changed at all.

As i drove home today blasting music to soothe my ears and heart, I felt this heaviness, this curiosity, am I in the same place I found myself a year ago?
what patterns have been repeated, what forward momentum have i even made?

My dad leaves me to the fire and blows out candles in the dinning room, the smoke hangs heavy in the air swirling for a few moments, the fire out here is larger then before.

I remember the sweat lodge a few weeks ago, the large fire before we entered the womb, the way i was already sweating.

I got home and thought of my list of "twenty things that ground and center me" that I made after my last meeting with Debby.
I thought of number 4 or 5 "walking outside/in nature" so i jumped back in my car and took myself to the hill with a path that revealed the sunset around it. I'd have to run to make it around its large hump to see the horizon.
I took the path and started running, I was crying before I even got there, so much had happened in a year and yet i felt the pain of all the loss and confusion that had come with it- even with all the beauty and magic.
I ran and ran through the little dust path, a rabbit ran in front of me and I said "hello rabbit- you little good luck symbol".
I kept running and something told me to slow down, to still in my body.
As i finally turned a corner I found the sky a bright light pink on the horizon, the sun was covered with clouds but they made these beautiful edges of pink and gold around the shapes of them. One looked like a big blob of heart. I sat in the clearing and just pulled my legs into me. The ground was surprisingly soft and i found the largest ant/beetle I'd ever seen sitting next to me.

I sat there for awhile and searched for a soul that I could connect to on that hill besides myself. I spoke to my brother for a few moments but could tell he was busy, at an aquarium with friends, I could imagine his light hearted self enjoying the jelly fish.
Then I talked to a soul sister in Austin, she was preparing for a moon ceremony, she told me about her truths, what this new moon was revealing to her.
I asked her about how she dealt with shadows, with the feelings that i felt were coming up for me, why I felt in the same place, with more of the same confusion.
She told me to really look at it, but find that inner child, really reach out to it, regardless of anyone else involved not needing approval or justification from those sources either, but what does that child need and want. After all the most important relationship is the one we have with ourselves.

The fire is burning out now, my dad forgot to turn off the fountain as I can hear water continually tumbling in the distance.

I unloaded some of my stuff in my old room, I went into this tiny room I have, full of old art and pieces of past chapters of my life. I found a small cardboard box from someone who was very close to me, a white rolled up paper in it.

the logs fall on the fire and the water is slowly stopping now.
everything slowing down.

the note said;

"Sometimes life presents
us with situations similar
to a spiral on a snail shell,
where from one perspective
it may seem like we're
repeating ourselves, but
if you look from further out
you can see that things are
different, and that
g r o w t h     h a s    o c c u r r e d ."

thank you beautiful note, coming back to me right when i need you.

(btw, any LA friends, I have been doing body therapy with this amazing woman out here, if you have any interest contact me, or contact her at debby@debbyjay.com)