off to space in November

here we go.....

It's Novemeber.

I'm learning how to love every day.
How to breathe, to let go, to laugh.

Yo La Tengo is playing in my ears.

A little over a year ago I fell in love again.

" I remember before we met.."
That line in this song "We're on our way to fall..."

We're always falling, falling back into this moment. Some days are hard, some days we aren't seeing or experiencing the same thing. Fear may creep in, but then when we come back to the moment, when love is what we chose to experience. We fall, fall again, in and through. It's sort of like swimming.
Sometimes you choke on the water, or your vision is blurry. But we keep swimming.

I don't know how my life will end. David from the teahouse always says when you ask him about the future.."I don't know where I'll be tomorrow, if I'll be alive in 5 minutes when I leave here.."
Thats the truth. we don't know.

"ya we're on our way
.. to fall in love.."

But we can fall in love if we chose.

Recently a friend passed away. I didn't know her very well but she left a very big mark on my heart. The day I found out we went and prayed at the land of the medicine buddha and played the flute. I asked Tom if I was crazy, if it was silly that I was crying so much. I felt like her death broke something open in me. He said of course not, she is your sister, your spirit kin. She's a part of your family.
We went to her memorial in Portland and it was so beautiful. So incredible to see the people gather together and sing songs for her and speak of her. Her partner Elijah is something else. The way he held space for everyone, healed everyone with his love and acceptance and strength. It was like majesty, I felt this christ like compassion and universal love emanating from him. It was really powerful.


(OneDoorLand )

Three little kittens slept with us at the magical community we stayed at called OneDoorland.
 One kitten  nusseled into Tom's armpit, licked the hair in there and then went to bit his nipple. It was so cute and so sweet to see this innocent little thing try to get milk out of him and then cuddle back into his armpit. I felt like I had just experienced ceremony. And her memorial sort of was a ceremony, song and prayer and tears. We listened to audio from Richard Rudd on Simplicity and Forgiveness.
Ahhhh, forgiveness and ahhh simplicity.
Oh how we can overcomplicate and chose to not accept ourselves or others. That is the opposite of forgiveness, When we are unable to accept ourselves or the world around us.
Forgiveness is powerful, "It is the divine spark" Richard says.

This community really inspired me. I was there so briefly but there was such an intentionality there that emanated from what was created. Binah's vision and home was incredible. I remember when she had first told Tom and I about it and about how they had artists in residence. I didn't realize what magic was there. It was a gift to share that small pocket of time. The hearts that were so willing to share and open. And then laughter. It's so nice when you can be in a group and cry and laugh and heal. Richard has a key that says, "every intentional act is a magical act." I would love to be in such a focused artistic community. Magic intentions abound.



And then there's the now.

I am grateful for the now.

We drove back through space, through Mt. Shasta. And arrived at Panther Meadows at 11:00 pm. It was cold, there was ice on the ground. I peed in a patch of white snow and saw the most magical and giant shooting star I had ever seen. The night winked at me.
We walked around and the energy was so crisp. So alive.

We decided not to camp in the ice and snow. As to avoid freezing over and went and camped at castle lake. Tom and I huddled together for warmth and I'd wake and cover his face with my scarf.
I didn't dream, I just slept - slept hard.
When we woke we walked around castle lake. Tom was our guide, like Samwise Gamgee in the Lord of the Rings. He took Steve and I a little further, and further and further.
He was determined to find the meadow where he had had the vision of him and I a year ago. He saw us returning every year and eventually returning with our kids.

We found it, it was iced over and we stood over the valley and looked over it all. I was happy to be there with him. A year and a half ago when he had come on his retreat there I had been in Central America. I was healing and learning and he was doing his own work here. And then life brought us back together where Tom would teach me how to love unconditionally. Over and over.
When you can forgive anything, then you are free.

A year ago and then today.

Tom pointed to two trees today. He asked me what they embodied. We had been having a rough morning, just miscommunication and mis-understanding. I said being, air, peace, comfort. He said that is our relationship, those our the qualities we do or have the potential to embody too.
The first day we met we omed around a tree and the 5th we meditated under two trees together.
I've always felt trees symbols of peace and understanding. They give and ask for nothing in return.

Today is the fourth of November, I am 26. I don't know what it is that I will do in my lifetime, or how long I will live to. I know that yesterday a 5 month old looked in my eyes and smiled and smiled until I almost cried of joy, and today a friend had lavender purple hair. I know that my feet like the feeling of grass and my ears enjoy the sound of the flute.
I know I have been working at one of my favorite places on earth and it has been a challenge and gift.
I know that everything is changing and that I have 10 fingers and 10 toes.

I know that I can chose what to paint. There are maybe 25 people in this cafe with me, They all have their own worries and fears, and joys and blisses. They are not separate from me. I think thats the big reminder in love, we are not separate. Give others the freedom, space, and understanding you would want.
Here we are, all travelling through space. In the beginning of November.

Inspiration...coming and going (an new/old post)

Midnight.

The bats are out, the crickets singing, and I just finished some chocolate and a late night jacuzzi sesh. I love our jacuzzi, even if it irritates my poison oak. A trade off for living in nature is getting poison oak once a month.

Tonight we went with some friends and saw Boyhood. I feel like i am inspired to write each time I see a really beautiful film. I felt high afterwards- like Woo, I am alive, in this crazy wild dream! I am in love, and its not perfect but its magic and it is fun. And that is what this film was about, the reality of life with all its mundane beauty and sadness and growth.

'Every day is a new set of challenges and adventures" my friend Kirk said this to me the other week. We sat with him on the ground while he taught me how to make this really intricate dreamcatcher. My dreams are dark sometimes, and sometimes they are very telling. I dream of travelling with Tom, of being afraid of not being able to move forward in a car, of exploring and of flying. Fears and visions, the dream world is a wild place. I've been animating a girl connecting with her heart, and of myself flying in a dream. I'm wrapping up an animation project and it feels good to be nearing its completion. Who knows what is in store creatively next, but I'm planting seeds for beauty and growth and depth. I'd like to move to a new level with my work. In whatever way that means, I'm not yet sure.

flying, soaring, dancing.
We're always dancing with someone or something.

Today it's Wednesday .
We spent the day downtown, drinking tea, feeling, laughing and laughing, walking with friends, eating crepes, and then going into work for this incredibly relaxed and beautiful shift. The teahouse is a strange and magical place. It's a vortex of good people and good tea.

Tom and I just finished some late night snacks and a late night talk with this amazing ceramicist named Tom. He is sleeping under the stars tonight with out roomies in our front yard. We live in the woods where you can see the stars so clearly, its pretty ideal for camping at home.

May all beings be happy.

My tummy is full, I'm grateful, laughter is the best medicine. It heals the soul, of all splits, and fears and conflicts. Beware of the mind and its tricks, don't listen or believe the doubt and fear it will create. Thats been so helpful lately, to laugh and not believe the thought.

There is magic in the air.
here are some photos.
:)

renewal - refinding things

(photo found online)
it's almost one am.

I am 26 years old, Tom is sitting next to me listening to a song he just composed with his hand on my tummy.

We just returned back from a movie, I treated us with the money my Aunt had sent me in the mail. It was like being 6 and receiving birthday mail. it made my day and she sent it with a stone that said Magic on it.

The movie was all about life and death. About pain and sadness, beauty and gratitude.

 The other day I was online and I saw an old friend from high school post a picture of himself with his last treatment of Chemo from 6 months of therapy. This film was about kids who had suffered from cancer.

Lately I have been feeling this parallel and this incredible sense of impermanence. Death is not around me and yet my aliveness reminds me that one day I will no longer live. 

Tom sang a song to me while sitting on a cushion about two lovers meeting in a field, he leaves her where she laid and I asked him what it was about . He told me "Love, loss, and hope."

I asked him why loss? (Why loss my heart cries?) I knew the answer but he replied, "because we lose everything one day."

My eyes began to water and I remember feeling this deep sadness and understanding.

I will look at Tom sometimes and see how precious our life is, his being alive is, our loving each other in this moment and I'll find myself weeping. It sounds silly and it is, silly, real , beautiful and heart opening.

The movie reminded me of that, again and again, over and over I remember to give thanks, to cherish what I have, to really focus on how blessed I am. Not to get caught in dominance, or power or lack or the stories that corrupt the beauty of the moment.

 It's a continual flowering to remember what a blessing our lives are. How special the people are in it, and how lucky we truly are..

There are so many angels continually blessing us.

I found a page in a journal that simply said;

"the universe loves grateful people
release judgements about yourself"

-------

I wrote the above about a week ago, I'm in LA now, the breeze is coming in the door, water is boiling on the stove , and I am waiting for two dear friends to arrive and take me to a show in LA.

Life is continually surprising me with its beauty. With love, with strangers and old friends.

Yesterday I saw my ex-boyfriend Ben. I had been carrying this book with me from Central America for over half a year. He had so generously supported my kickstarter project and in exchange I wanted to give him a small token of gratitude. I was surprised at how incredible it felt to see him, to just laugh and laugh and laugh. It felt like a good surreal dream.

This was the first time I have ever re-connected with any past love that I have been intimately close with and in a context where I am in a closed relationship and there is no agenda but to just be open. I just felt love, the sort of love I feel when I see my best friend Amy. In this moment there was no possession, no hurt, no strangeness, just joy and relief in a way.

There is something to say about facing your fears, and trusting your heart, and practicing or being unconditional love.

Tom blessed my going to see Ben, he had no insecurities or cares, that I could tell. I have always been given freedom from Tom, where it really counts, and that is a blessing. And freedom really belongs to all of us, freedom and boundaries. It's this strange and beautiful balance that only our hearts can define for us. Tom told me before I left "go get smoothies, go to the pier, get on the carousel! :)." He was joking but at the same time totally serious. It's all just love.

 Love is like energy- it doesn't really break, it only changes form. 

My grandpa is sick, he is old, I love him. He squeezes my hand and holds it firmly , he nods and today when I looked over and asked, "what do you think I should do Poopah?" He smiled and closed his eyes tightly, what I saw him say without words is Trust, what the heart knows cannot be seen through the eyes, and what will happen is an unfolding mystery you can only live.

I hiked with my Aunt today, we were in the Santa Monica mountains and found some native America structures. A board asked that we connect with the purity of Boney Mountain, and that it was a place for vision quests and the shaman's journey. 

I prayed and let nature speak to me, the dancing butterflies, the happy dogs with owners and the crows who left me a feather to play with in my fingers.

Amy has come and gone again, a soul sister who always comes to me when I really feel I could use a sister. Life is that way, it gives us all sort of medicine, herbal, humans, animals and magic. My medicine this time was Amy. Amy teaches me play, silliness and fun, over and over again. She teaches me about the spirit of no rules. I see why all these mirrors are so important for me.

My Grandpa is teaching me about the importance of life ! To be alive! What a dance, a brief magical dance.

Go for it, breathe, and know its all happening perfectly.

Even when things break, its all transformation for the highest good.

Crow medicine is about life's mysteries and magic, the sign of luck, the key words are destiny,  personal transformation and alchemy.

:) Yes please. more crow magic.

I set an intention for light hearted sweetness, thats what i got, my intention tonight it blissful happiness, and surprise.

I am so grateful for life's blessings.

Space, Grace, and Tea

"let it come."

a girl said this out loud to us at a group during a baby blessing two Sundays ago.

a sweet soul named Lila was on her 120th day of pregnancy. I had met Lila once before and had felt extremely connected to her. She had this beauty and softness to her that immediately drew me in.
She found me through my drawings online, she didn't even know we had met before but I recognized her immediately.  After we re-connected she invited me to share this day.

It was at their home called the Garden House. A group of women sat in a group singing, sharing stories, gifts, offerings to her to bless her baby.
She shared tears of joy and of remembrance, her honesty, vulnerability and deep feeling was so beautiful.

It's 3:13 pm. Soon I leave to go cover a friends shift at this place called India Joze.
It's a very simple job and I like the humbling aspect of it. Some days there I find myself challenged and ask what I'm doing with my path and other days I see the perfect order in all actions and the small steps on the path.

This morning was filled with a "Golden Buddha" tea, reading about prosperity, sunlight, cuddling and butterflies flying about signifying spring.

The camino is on my mind since Tom began talking about it. I remember in Barcelona my friend Ivan used to talk about the camino , that was nearly 5 years ago, he wanted to go with his partner at the time. That was a rocky time for our friendship. Boundaries overstepped, fire and fire creating more chaos. It was a part of my path though, and my karma, learning these lessons of restraint, intuition and unconditional love.
But I think he did go on the camino, of what he told me it was a rocky path with him, more on the path of love and his relations then anything, but since we've last spoken he seems to have a much more settled life in London now.

But Tom and I are inspired to go. Anything involving an adventure, strangers, a opportunity to document and film a path intrigues me. Not to mention Europe. It's been 5 years since I have returned there.
I have faith in our path , in the doors opening for us, We're always held, and we've already been through all sorts of fire. Unconditional love really is the only way to go. When the fire gets hot, the ego gets dissolved and acceptance remains. It's amazing how much stronger one can become through every illusion.

Whenever disharmony arises the line comes...
"What do you do when the illusion of separateness arises?
you love
you just love."

.....
It's a few days since I last wrote here.
It's late now and its night. these are some recent drawings.

introspection. harmony. dreams.

It's april fools day.

I told Tom that I peed blue and there was a fish in my pee. He looked at me wide eyed and said "Blue??"

Then.... "...a fish..?.. What does that mean??"

April Fool's !

I like excuses to be silly.

We talked for a long time today, it felt good to hear him. To hear him speak of the mind. I felt high and there was a glowing light around him. The aura I guess you would call it, it was yellow white against an yellow ochre wall.

My heart feels open, I feel connected, slow, I'm in a transition and I know the only way through it is acceptance, gratitude, love and patience.

I talked to a soul sister from Los Angeles today, she reminded me of how everything is an illusion. Even lack, and how important it is to be grateful for what we have right now.

I hope to connect with some of those LA souls soon. I may even take an impromptu with Tom tomorrow.

Will see what is aligned in the stars.