breaking open

the other day i heard that we can get insight into ourself when we experience misery or heartache.
It's like the heart breaks open and we are able to go into it.

today i feel my heart breaking a lot, ive decided not to turn it off, i think the only way out is through as they say.
so through i go.
into the deepest parts of my heart.
healing is a process, and all i can think about, is how did i get to this point?
if i create my own reality, how and why is what I keep asking?

i think of dark and light.
i think of trust.
i think of losing everything to gain anything.
i think the darkest hour always comes before the dawn.
i think all is in divine order even when i cannot see it.

i think of these faces as blessings

:

this man told me about how everything that happens good or bad is from above, so be happy :)

i listen to this music:

http://soundcloud.com/ivymeadows

i will be moving again soon.

thank you california chapter.

I feel you coming to a close.

show em what we hide

show em what we hide

that line is coming from a song my friend just sent me from his new album.
so good.

i am listening to music and writing next to a fire outside under the full moon.
the fire goes out every so often and my dad puts more wood on, the crackles burst and as i move closer I wonder if any embers will jump out at me.

they don't though and i continue to look at the moon in the sky as she climbs a little higher each time i look up at her.
She's such a perfect lamp in the sky and I recall the sunset just a few hours ago.
Foggy pastels and smeared blurs of murky light pinks, blues and yellows.

so much has changed and yet nothing seems to have changed at all.

As i drove home today blasting music to soothe my ears and heart, I felt this heaviness, this curiosity, am I in the same place I found myself a year ago?
what patterns have been repeated, what forward momentum have i even made?

My dad leaves me to the fire and blows out candles in the dinning room, the smoke hangs heavy in the air swirling for a few moments, the fire out here is larger then before.

I remember the sweat lodge a few weeks ago, the large fire before we entered the womb, the way i was already sweating.

I got home and thought of my list of "twenty things that ground and center me" that I made after my last meeting with Debby.
I thought of number 4 or 5 "walking outside/in nature" so i jumped back in my car and took myself to the hill with a path that revealed the sunset around it. I'd have to run to make it around its large hump to see the horizon.
I took the path and started running, I was crying before I even got there, so much had happened in a year and yet i felt the pain of all the loss and confusion that had come with it- even with all the beauty and magic.
I ran and ran through the little dust path, a rabbit ran in front of me and I said "hello rabbit- you little good luck symbol".
I kept running and something told me to slow down, to still in my body.
As i finally turned a corner I found the sky a bright light pink on the horizon, the sun was covered with clouds but they made these beautiful edges of pink and gold around the shapes of them. One looked like a big blob of heart. I sat in the clearing and just pulled my legs into me. The ground was surprisingly soft and i found the largest ant/beetle I'd ever seen sitting next to me.

I sat there for awhile and searched for a soul that I could connect to on that hill besides myself. I spoke to my brother for a few moments but could tell he was busy, at an aquarium with friends, I could imagine his light hearted self enjoying the jelly fish.
Then I talked to a soul sister in Austin, she was preparing for a moon ceremony, she told me about her truths, what this new moon was revealing to her.
I asked her about how she dealt with shadows, with the feelings that i felt were coming up for me, why I felt in the same place, with more of the same confusion.
She told me to really look at it, but find that inner child, really reach out to it, regardless of anyone else involved not needing approval or justification from those sources either, but what does that child need and want. After all the most important relationship is the one we have with ourselves.

The fire is burning out now, my dad forgot to turn off the fountain as I can hear water continually tumbling in the distance.

I unloaded some of my stuff in my old room, I went into this tiny room I have, full of old art and pieces of past chapters of my life. I found a small cardboard box from someone who was very close to me, a white rolled up paper in it.

the logs fall on the fire and the water is slowly stopping now.
everything slowing down.

the note said;

"Sometimes life presents
us with situations similar
to a spiral on a snail shell,
where from one perspective
it may seem like we're
repeating ourselves, but
if you look from further out
you can see that things are
different, and that
g r o w t h     h a s    o c c u r r e d ."

thank you beautiful note, coming back to me right when i need you.

(btw, any LA friends, I have been doing body therapy with this amazing woman out here, if you have any interest contact me, or contact her at debby@debbyjay.com)

Personal Space

I met with Debby on Thursday after a surreal night. I was exhausted and overwhelmed.

I felt into my body. I unloaded things that had accumulated there. She asked me what it would feel like to create space around me, to protect myself.
I told her I would have a lake around me. All this water. She said "like you're on an island."
I repeated over and over "this is my space, and your not allowed in it without my permission."

Things can come in so quickly and unannounced sometimes. Sometimes I feel like an observer, a deer, who watches silently, unsure if they should move or stay.

Debby wrote on a card for me a sort of mantra:

truth.

We always have the choice to stay or go.

I'm really beginning to work on making these choices for myself, remembering the idea of allowing it to be for the highest good of all, but that I am included in that most importantly.

I have the choice to do what serves me.

The week  before that I had met with her in New York over skype.

New York was a little slice of joy, bliss and creativity.

That place always is.

Over our skype meeting she had me do different exercises where I observed things in the room, observing how they affected me, on whether or not I liked them or agreed with them.

Instead of allowing them to draw me in energetically, I'd let them come to me and just observe the effect.

A good thing to use in other situations.

Practice, practice.

I felt my body held by the chair that was carrying me. She asked me to feel it on my back. To feel its support, it was like a giant hand holding me.

I flew the other night in my dream, I became lucid and decided I wanted to fly. Was so liberating in a way. I could only not fly anymore when I came back down and tried to take people or things with me.

I thought of the bird I visualized in Debby's office, the way it flapped around its cage frantically, so afraid and hurt, I saw myself open the door and nurture it, telling it that I would never hurt it the way I did again. We must be so gentle with our hearts, souls, minds and psyche's.

Here are some uplifting images from New York.

Life has many contrasts.

I'm trying to figure out less in my life, not get so worried about decisions.

In New York Debby said to me " You'd be surprised at how much of life you don't actually have to figure out."

For some reason hearing that from someone else was such a relieving- "oh yes moment."

(If you're interested in meeting with Debby who is a great teacher you can find her at debby@debbyjay.com and debbyjay.com )

Falling Up

i fell asleep last night with a friend reading "Falling Up" by Silverstein.

I told her I was going to fall asleep and she rubbed my leg and said "that's ok, how about I read to you."
She had showed up an hour earlier with a pint of vegan ice cream and a hug.
I've been receiving a lot of angels lately and it reminds me how surrounded I am, sometimes the heart can go into this place of feeling very alone, and in the midst of going through a deep heart separation from another, i feel very supported.

I went to Yucaipa, a little place outside of Palm Springs a few days ago to help a friend who is starting a school there and I laid down on the earth and felt this serious hand under me. This hand of the earth. This girl in my dream that night picked cards for me and flipped cards that said Mother and The earth. Themes for me to connect to.

I don't remember any dreams last night but it felt very relieving, to sleep a dreamless night and to wake feeling peaceful. The past few months the subconscious had been screaming so many messages I didn't want to truly look at. I think of "we have to allow people the dignity of their own struggle'.
Of the way I've been putting puzzle pieces together for myself, my own riddles to solve for my own personal growth.

I skyped a friend who is in Bali, she gave me a new chant, which goes something like this:

"Asa toma sadgamaya tamasoma jyotirgamaya mrityorma amritamgamaya"

" Lead us from Untruth to Truth, from Dark to Light, from Death to Immortality" 

 


I returned from my trip to Yucaipa to find a package from my sweet friend in new york, her letter saying

"Tomorrow is the Chinese New Year-
Year of the Water Snake
A new beginning-
    some things will grow deeper
and others will

              fall
             
                  away  .

-transform your tools, use your gifts
for the good of all

center 

of effortless

precision

guiding you  

along."

Yes, sounds good to me.
The snake coming to me in another dream that night
A ceremony, I was with mayans, and the line, "we must turn snakes into serpents" kept coming to me. I woke and thought I must write this down! Profound information coming through. Then I had to really sit with myself later and go,"oook...but what does that mean."
The message was all about transmission and transformation. A dot, a single point containing all of existence. Moving from one simple way of being to one of ancient wisdom and message. Apparently the snake is fire medicine, it is of initiation and healing, signaling new opportunities and changes.
"Snake magic is heavy magic. 
Become the Magician and transmute the energy and accept the power of the fire."

 

It's a new Sunday
morning focus;
angel of earth.

"there is a part of me
that is rooted firmly in the earth
it is grounded, solid me
That I now deeply bow.
For without this,
There could be no expansion,
No life-giving nourishment
Coursing to my tender new leaves,
No strong stem to reach
Toward the sun.
The earth is my home
For this incarnation,
And I am blessed."
essene book of meditations and blessings

:)
x

"all that you want is yours"

renewal

"when the student is ready the teacher appears."

I never really understood the weight of that until now.
I had heard it once or twice before but I feel I finally understand what it means to be ready, to be ready to open one's self up to the teachings of someone who has mastered something greater then yourself.
I've been finding a greater ability to say the truth lately and say what I need and what I can and cannot do.
It's a huge step for me and without Debby's sessions I'm not sure I'd be in the same place.
This past session I held a large thing of blankets, I leaned down on them for a very long time. She asked me what it felt like, I told her like i was hugging a mountain.
I made a drawing of it and wrote, "I just want to lean on all the things I've been carrying around."

Lately i find myself carrying less and my arms are beginning to feel lighter. I hope it keeps up.
My cricket record finished in my room and now there is a soft silence.

There's been a lot of transition in the past few weeks, and all for the better.
The new crescent moon is always like this little whisper to me  saying "new beginning, new opportunities to make magic, new moments to grow- get ready- enjoy it!"

I applied to an orphanage in Guatemala and it's still a bit of a mystery quest but I'm also hoping there may be a green light that says GO.
I am loving the California sun and all the new things here that are building though so who knows.
:) On verras...to be continued.

I just finished some painting, was told to paint and channel Mother Mary, so that is what I am working on.
And tomorrow I am headed to my friend Art Tarbi's land where he will be starting up an esoteric school.

Happy day of Love everyone, enjoy it and love the heck out of everything you see, do and feel.

(If you're interested in meeting with Debby who is an amazing teacher you can find her at debby@debbyjay.com and debbyjay.com .)

moon body

i dreamt of this voice last night.
it was my own and it spoke louder and louder, it said stop ignoring me or shutting me out. I woke and asked questions that came through my sleeping lips, "why are you doing what you're doing?"
"How does it serve you?"

I felt more of the inner workings of my body this week.
I worked with Debby and the session was a hazy dream, a dream of looking at things, feeling things, allowing space and being in the body.
Amy called me and I told her these pictures showed what I felt like I was under all this skin, "glowing white goodness."
The essence of whats inside. A moon body.

It's the full moon today, which always feels like a day of celebration and illumination.
The "perilous questions" that Debby shared with me this week are, "whats true for me, and what do i want?"
The answers becoming more and more clear each moment.

Whales came to me in my dreams, whales mixed with sharks. We rode on their backs and they took us to shore.
The ocean representing the emotions of our lives, and the whales harboring them, the sharks, moving through them with confidence and clarity. Both carrying the wisdom and protection to show a clear way through something that feels so vast. Life.

It's been raining recently and with it comes a purifying calm.

I've been keeping this picture of this happy deer present.
To keep myself smiling through every different emotion and moment that passes.
Live presently, feel continuously. I can sense all these halves of myself becoming whole, rebreeding and becoming whole again.

I met a girl yesterday who told me "I trust my feelings completely and even if they are somewhat wrong , they aren't wrong I just learn from them."
She was a sort of other worldly warrior goddess. I did a shoot with her and admired the strength she seemed to carry in her self trust. 

We spoke of someone who is going to be bringing a baby into the world, and what a gift it is. Life is such a gift, I saw an accident on the side of the road on our way to the desert, these cars all smashed up and flipped over and thought, life is fragile.
I asked my dreams last night to show me a clear path, I danced through an airport and fell in love with everyone I met, people coming around me to support me.
At the end I bought some glitter to help this girl shine. 
Everyone here to help each other shine, move forward and grow.


I may be headed out towards new orleans and new mexico for a bit, but body therapy continues!
(and You can reach Debby at debby@debbyjay.com and debbyjay.com) 

Sunday- Continual New Beginnings

Mantra of the Day:
Today i embrace my potential to be , do and have whatever I can dream.

This past week flew by.
It was one of creativity and connectivity.
I had another session with Debby and I'm learning little by little that this may be such experiential work that trying to describe it is somewhat difficult. Like trying to describe what air is to someone whose never realized they we're breathing. I think of the metaphor for trying trying to describe water to fish.
I begin to describe it to someone and I find myself talking about what I did with my body.
The way i pushed metaphorical walls away from me and off me to make space.
How Debby held on to my ankles for a long time as I laid on a table.
Asking me how it felt,
"like i was tree with roots coming down into the earth."

I walked in there with a whole lot of energy.
I told her i wanted to shake it off, or move it around. That's when we started moving invisible barriers, I pushed against her as we walked across the room hands touching. It was nice to be able to push back, or push out, use a strength and let it be there.

I sat down and felt better.
Told her I felt a bit of this sadness. A flowing in my heart center.
She asked me, "what if you allowed that to be there, what would that be like?"
It was like water, slowly moving, I made the gesture with my hands, and slowly saw little waves, like a little stream moving out of me.

I asked her where she thought anxiety comes from.
She said there are different situations, but usually it comes from a situation, but not the actual situation, but the thought, "I don't know how to handle this situation, or I don't know if I can."
I guess it's the feeling of helplessness, powerless-ness, or maybe inadequacy that gives rise to these feelings of anxiety.
She described a scenario with a snake, how if you walked into a jungle, or clearing and a snake was in your path, it wouldn't be the actual snake that gave the anxiety, but the idea of not knowing what to do, or whether you felt like you could handle the situation or not. Your reaction.
I saw many situations in my life reflected in that metaphor.

A little voice in me wants to just go- C"MON! I CAN DO THIS.
Maybe I'm working on letting that trust node grow now.

Then I laid down. She held my ankles as I said. And it felt like a support, rather then a weighing down. As if I was supported by the earth like a tree with roots.
She put her hands on the edge of my body so I could feel my edges. Then she allowed me space so I could feel the space around me.
At one point she came around to my head and sort of lengthened it in a way, or gently held it.
I noticed how my whole body felt connected, it was the first time in a while where I realized how often I live from my head, how disconnected from the body i can be.
I thought of a balloon for a head- a floating head, with the body way down away from me.
But in that moment I really noticed, feeling different parts of my body, how much my body has to say, how much it wants and needs to be acknowledged. So different then trying to intellectualize everything from a mental point.
Sort of relieving in a way.

I left the session with a lightness.
I walked around and made friends with a tree.
His little branch hanging down like an arm reaching out for an embrace or handshake.
How do you do, nice to meet you.

What new magic will I experience today?

Sweet rose is here from New York, and the warm sun is kissing my favorite tree in my front yard, the leaves golden and hanging on like little decorations.
I listen to some of my favorite music and breathe into my back.
This is where I am.
The white overtone wizard sings sweetly to herself.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eb6Npon06CI

You can reach Debby at debby@debbyjay.com and debbyjay.com .