mmmmm....happenings

my camera hasn't been working.

it's a simple fix of  battery charger but I've actually enjoyed a month off of documenting life.
Ever since I bought that camera before I left for India it had become my other arm, there to document and freeze those moments in which I knew words couldn't create. Colors and faces and experiences that an image could speak about in infinite ways.

I'm in Santa Cruz, this place has become a strange magnet for me, with people I am magnetized to.
There is no time here, and the days come and go like the ride of the sea, washing over me as i lay floating in it. Like I'm 5 and there is no where to be and no responsibility to attend to.

My heart is opening wider to the idea of enjoying everything, worrying less and relaxing more.
I'm reading Patti Smith's "Just Kids" and I am soo in love with this book. The way she weaves words and the story of two artists who go from nothing to making such a mark on this world. It creates so much faith in my own storyline.
I remember interviewing a friend in LA, what she learned this year was that
"you can make something outta nothing."

Don't be discouraged by where you are, so much is possible.
we really can't foresee the blessings or the breakthroughs, we just have to keep falling into them.
Moving through the intuitive flow, reaching out, showing up, letting it happen.

Warm mornings and synchronistic moments.
Less asking and more seeing.
warm tea and smiling faces.
explosive giggle fits and the sound of crickets.
rolling fog and african dance music.
dark chocolate and red socks.
finding feathers and migrating butterflies.
long distance phone calls and white light.
warm love and embraced bodies.

mmm .
its almost sunset hear. People laugh on the porch, I'm in this sleepy hazy mood and just want to sink into enjoying where i am and reading this book until night comes.
Maybe a task here and there but for the most part- stillness.

I am grateful.

it is what it is

I'm sitting in front of a mirror.

Whenever I sit this way, cross legged, I think of a dream I had a long time ago with an ex-boyfriend who is still a friend and who I hold in highest regard.
In the dream he had told me, "We heal ourselves by seeing ourselves."
And we sat meditating in front of the mirror together.

The other day I saw birds flying out of my chest, I was in a class with my Aunt but I felt all this beautiful strange freedom, release and liberty moving from my heart center.

While I was in New York I found out someone I have been in love with for 2 years got engaged.
It was surreal and yet another dream had told me this was to come before i found out.
I had been prepared for this in Mexico, I saw it in my dream, but had forgotten and it still came as a punch in the chest.
The part of me that envisioned me marrying him and being with him one day was slowly shattering and being left behind.
Acceptance.
But a huge part of my heart didn't want to accept it, the child there wanted to jump and scream and say it's not possible.
I didn't tell him how I really felt because I couldn't find it in my heart to do that to him.
What I really wanted was to just be happy for him, to be genuinely happy.

Before I left for my 4 month trip I fell in love with a soul named Tom. He would tell me stories in flemish, dance with me to Bobby Mcferrin, and sit naked with me down by the stream.
When I first saw him I knew that we had known each other, there was this reflection and just recognition.
We sat under a tree and I held hands with him and my brother as we Ohm-ed.

This person has been there for me during my whole trip, in times when I felt most afraid or anxious.
And yet giving myself to this relationship is not easy.
My heart is still so in love with this person who is slowly fading away.

Like a star in the sky.

Today I am fasting, yesterday I spent time with this beautiful 21 yr old named Renee, she told me that fasting is one of the best forms of prayer.
You can receive answers, clarity and faith.
Her Mom said a prayer for me on the phone.

To be human, we experience so much, the heart can take so much, we can navigate through so much. Today my friend Rose wrote this to me:

"some are blossoming,  some are sleeping

we all turn into flowers when we accept the sun

when we drink rain and not feel guilty

when we curl around one another and grow faster when someone is singing"

---------------

this morning I talked to friends from Israel, France, Germany, New York and here in Los Angeles.

Ha, it feels like such a blessing to be able to talk to people from all over the world.

I love my friends so incredibly much, and my family.

I love my sisters, the way they create their homes, the way they reflect light, the way they laugh at me and all my strange forms of being.

Two days ago me and my little sister went down to the pier, the water jumped up at us and splashed over us.
We screamed and laughed.
Surprise. 
That is sort of how life works, you never know what wave will wash over u and what will make u smile or surprise laugh.

You never know who you are about to encounter.

Yesterday I did a surprise interview with someone I had been introduced to almost a year ago.
His name is Timothy Conway, he wrote this amazing book called "Women of Grace and Power"
I had been at a Satsung of his once at his house and I will always remember the calm, beautiful, and peaceful nature he holds.
He said;

"Everything is vanishing moment to moment, everything that we thought was problematic is vanishing moment to moment.
I asked him what he wished, or thought was good for people to learn?
he said
" People will learn what they are supposed to learn, serendipity, a lot of it is surprising and creative and fun. But really for people to know they are made of love, we are made of this divine love and light.- This is what I am , realization."
And then he said, " we all have kindred souls we're vibrating with, everyone at our deepest being is our soul mate... If we're loving harmonious beings things will come up, patience, courageous, to be open to guidance, and follow it when given.
This is a divine dream, and when we come home to love, everything seems like a beautiful manifestation of love."

He told me that I would bring tremendous fruits into the world because I am in love with love and people. Sometimes I feel bad about this, how much I can fall in love or how greatly I can love so many people. My meditation told me today, "be kind with yourself, it's ok to have all these feelings."

I'm going to finish my fast, go walk in the sun, make some more art, animate and enjoy today, I'm going to receive clarity, take action, and move in the direction of my dreams.
I will laugh and enjoy.

I will move into lightness and remember this is a great dream and play, I just have to play my part the way that feels most natural and right to me.
I am so grateful to every opportunity to grow, may I live in peace and continual fertility.

It's time for me to re-new my website.
It's time for me to find a home.
It's time for me to animate some stars.

The order of these three things happening will probably not be how I wrote them.

Animating stars will happen in the next hour, updating website will be in a week, and finding a home will probably be in the next month.

Now everything is perception so I could easily change all of these but I think that time line is what sounds and feels most right to me.

I'm at my sister's in Santa Barbara.
It's a cute town here, beautiful and it's nice to see my sister.
Last night I saw my little sister and she's head over heels in love and it's incredibly beautiful and entertaining to watch.
It's nice to see people you love glow.

I sat next to a woman from Chicago at my sister's restuarant.
We talked about Cocteau Twins, Sam Cooke, Sigur Ros and other music that had touched us in some way.
She was significantly older then me, but maybe only by 8 years.

Some how we began opening ourselves more and more. We talked about psychic perceptions, about the way we know something feels right or wrong and how you can choose to ignore red flags or really see them, we talked about the dream world.
I've always had a vivid dream world, ever since I can remember. And often times I have been able to communicate with people I love in dreams or receive messages from them or other worlds it feels. 
The most vivid and recent message I got was the day I left New York and I had given birth in a dream, my Mom told me in the dream, "this child is going to heal yourself and your family and many people in the world."
I never saw the baby, I just remember the feeling, as if I had created something very powerful and new. It may have been a birth to myself or who knows, a foreshadow of whats to come.

I dreamt of moonstone two nights ago, of black feather earrings that had crystals like stars in them.
I sang with a drum in my dream and put water on the drum to open it up.

(a healing Mandala my friend Tom made me)

At the end of my night this woman I was sitting with had to take a phone call from her mom. You could tell it was a hard phone call and then she began to tell me a story that was going on, you could see how heavy it weighed on her heart.
I told her how important it is to love your family and hold space but how you can't carry their pain. The best you can do for them is visualize them happy and have faith that they will get through it. Because everything passes, everything changes and I believe everything has the power to heal.
Patience and laughter.
Two of my saving graces.

Stages.


I've loved being back because it's been so nice to see and catch up with people I love.
It seems like so many people have evolved so incredibly in only 4-5 months.
But I guess a lot can happen in that time, we're all like caterpillars, continually evolving and taking shape.

Well on my list of things to do I wrote ; "write a story."
The story I'm writing is my own though.
Today I woke up, to my sister, she had to leave early , I moved my car, the sky was grey, I had showerd warm water all over my skin and I read from this book of magic of the Qabala, while i sipped warm milk brown tea, i found a passage that read:
"There is much to learn and an eternity to learn it, but before we can learn the new, we must unlearn the old...You may notice that it appears quite simple, but this is the first that must be learned. It is in the simple that the great can be found. 
Build your universe from a simple and strong foundation.
You are surprised that I say "build." But that is what you will be doing. For as you discover the universe, you will recreate your own. ..

We are only limited by ourselves.

We are never given a dream or a wish without also being given the means and the power to make it manifest."

ted andrews

"things are hidden only to be revealed at a latter time."
)mark 4:22(

Hello full moon and Mexico City Rain

I'm in Mexico City. 

It's pouring rain with lightning.
Most of the day the rain stayed away and the sun was out.
This has been my first day really on my own, the past 2-3 wks have been spent with others daily.

I'm exhausted today but have not done much, yesterday was one of the best most sound sleeps of my life. And yet i feel slowed down and sleepy. Like my eyes are soon to close and I keep holding them open.

I spoke to an old love today.
It was strange to talk again but also so nice.
There was no fear, just lightness. No expectation just general interest in how this other person was doing.
Some people leave such beautiful intense marks on your soul.
What is it that we fall in love with with other people?
Those little things that make each person unique.

I think I fall more and more in love with laughter daily, and the more I can spend time with people who make me laugh, the better off I am.

I'm staying at my friend Jesus's , I actually only know him through my friend Taryn and another friend named Lee lee in Chicago. Taryn met Jesus at a party at my house in Chicago where she was dressed as a cactus. I do love my friends.

I am always so grateful when a seemingly stranger opens their home and shares their life with me.

 here is Taryn as a cactus and as my wingman at my BFA show a few yrs back when i was a cloud. :)

we live in what ever reality we chose.

I like the reality of artists, they use everything as material, a realm of infinite possibilities.



------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .  .   ...   ..

this one time i fell off the face of the earth
no one knew exactly where i went but it was more less into the cave of my own heart
i saw many things there
things that were soft, things that we're hard
but the more i studied each part the more i saw it was all the same
the heart was like a giant sponge, and its capacity to love was/is limitless
the deeper i went , the more i found
white limitless space
space like canvas
space to paint with
to fill new pictures in
to fill new people
even with all the other marks and all the other people who had entered
it whispered to me- you will Never stop loving
and you will never be alone.
as the sun rises each morning, you too will rise and fall a million times over
you will learn much about stillness
much about movement
all about wings
and more about roots.
you will find yourself reborn again, like a butterfly, out of its cocoon.
you're flight will be short and at the same time it will never end.
this is how it works.
in the continual realm of no time and no space.
all is one and all is nothing.
so use what you have, love what you have
let go of drama's 
everyday you can re hape what it is you see, what you want,
and at the same time you can do nothing.
life will hold you.
you can Relax, you can believe , 
and then you can see, the stars have always been shinning for you.
the wind whispering what you already know.
the rain really kissing your skin when you thought you were caught in a storm.
the sun breaking open your own limitations that you realize are only illusions you don't need.
you are limitless. your love is limitless, your potential is limitless.
you will create things that you never thought possible, you will continue to amaze yourself.
Enjoy it.
 all the flowers, all the earth, all the world is here for you.
Hug the next tree you see and listen closely, it will share something with you that you needed to hear.

mmm sleep time early for me

waves and wisdom

Waves and Wisdom.

I'm in a Cafe, I've been wanting to write for the past two weeks but this is the first time I've really taken time for myself like this. 

I have been at this yoga orphanage which has had so much magic, and so much challenge.

I can't tell you how beautiful its been to work with some of the kids, their hands in my hair, the way they grab my hand, tell me they think I'm beautiful and the way they giggle their sweet giggles and call people from all over different parts of their worlds their Mami's.

Detachment is a new lesson for me, letting go of expectations and coming back to the now. Trusting, slowing down, I wonder if we ever stop learning the same lessons.

I've been searching for my home for a long time and I think eventually it's just going to find me, so I let go of control, of trying to figure it out. Whenever I give things up to spirit miracles happen, or like this wave- this calm wave ensues.

I've been spending lots of time with my friend's baby, its so so wild. This tiny child who is continually looking for something to eat. She is so beautiful though, her smile and eyes are from another world. 

And her name- Azuri -means higher dimensional being.

The Cafe I am in is closing, so I'll just write a few things.

The other morning I fell apart in yoga, this song came on that broke my heart and opened it up to everything I had been feeling. All of the fear and sadness, and it just felt so good to cry. I asked for a miracle that day and then received it, blessings of people at a farmer's market and a Temazcal ceremony that totally calmed me down, made my heart and voice sing, and helped me feel so connected.

I remembered NOW- be here NOW. stop worrying about where u will be in the future when you return.

Things can change so so quickly.

The Sun, i love the sun. I love this image, I love its warmth and light.

I love this quote  I found from a friend:

“I wish I could show you, when you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light of your own being.” Hafiz

A challenging day that turned bright again. LOVE.

i keep learning on this trip here that I cannot control anyone eles's feelings or take them personally, I can only control my own, have compassion and open myself up to understanding.

And lastly a wish for a Panda.

"Because Panda is cute and friendly."

keep riding that wave!

:) moving into tranquility and faiiitthhhh, and happiness. 

regalitos de la dia

full belly, rainy day.

i can't stop listening to this music a friend sent me awhile ago. this one song continually says "stay open."
and i just love that line, the whole feeling of the song, its like sensual and sleepy . haha

today i met a boy who took a crystal i received as a gift and wrapped it in purple macromeye. It was so cool to watch him hand make this necklace for me. All for 50 pesos, which is about 4 dollars.

I don't know why I woke up with some doubts and anxiety, I opened a book called the 72 names of God. I got it for a friend who helped fund my project and have been carrying it around ever since. The page I opened to was "Fear-less". It talks about stepping into your fears to reveal light and really ask yourself, "what am i afraid of?"

It was a good question. So I went up to the roof of the hostel to talk to the sky, dance, stretch and eat breakfast.
I asked myself my fears and spoke them aloud.
I'm afraid of being alone.
I'm afraid I won't have enough.
I'm afraid I'll never stop moving.
I'm afraid I won't find one community.
I'm afraid of knowing my Father.
I'm afraid that I won't accomplish my dreams.
I'm afraid i don't know what I want.
The list went on for some time.

Then I asked myself what I was grateful for, or what I loved about myself.
I'm grateful that I am here.
I am grateful that I take care of myself and my body.
I am grateful to my art.
I am grateful that I follow my dreams.
I am grateful that I listen to my inner voice.
I am grateful that I have such amazing friends.
I am grateful that I can inspire my family.
And the list went on.

I danced and felt a little lighter.

Then I spent the day walking around this little european looking city.
I thought of what a friend said the other day, "don't move until you know it is right, don't move until you know it is right"
No need to rush.

For a minute I really wanted to try to make it to NY for a vision quest in mid September. Which is a Native American tradition where you go out into the wilderness and spend 3 nights and days without eating or drinking and receive visions. It sounds really intense but also , I don't know , really beautiful and I'm drawn to it.  I'm at a point where I am asking for visions on how to navigate through the path. But at the same time, I feel I am also on my own vision quest in Mexico and to cut my time short here would be counter productive in some way. It's all perspective I suppose.
But for some reason an artists exhibition name comes to mind;
"Take your time."
So i feel I may be guided to take my time here and finish up my Mexico Chapter as I feel theres still a lot to explore in the month.

Mali cooked an amazing dinner of rice and veggies. I moved over to her house to stay for a night or two before moving to the community.
Where ever I am I am never really alone and I love how open people .

Earlier this year I had a vision of being pregnant, people kept telling me and my ex Ben that I was going to have a child. Ha, thats what happens when you're in a very spiritual community with astrologists, psychics and shamans, they project what they feel. And then it was strange, I began to feel it too.
After things ended I also felt the possibility fade away, it was strange and sort of one of the hardest things about the ending.  Almost like an emptiness. That possibility and fertility being turned off. Not that I really think I was going to have a baby that year, but still there was this strange beautiful energy and possibility there, like a portal.
But it's funny, I'm being to feel it again. I don't know how or why, and can't explain it, but its comforting. I feel guided and protected almost. I don't have a solid partnership or a grounded home, but I do feel all this fertility.



Sometimes I lose myself a bit and ask what I am doing with the Wish Book.
But today I found an article written over a year ago in India and it was like, to hear someone else's perspective, I remembered why I was doing it. And it's about every interaction, every person I get to talk with and see them share their dreams! I remember, and maybe its the journey and less the outcome.
http://www.dnaindia.com/lifestyle/1629741/report-the-wish-collector

its sort of crazy the amount of people I've gotten to meet and work with.
I am so grateful to this beautiful strange unfolding dream and life.
Wishes change everyday, and every day is such a mystery, but every day is a gift.

Returning

good old bobby.

I'm on a rooftop where it is cold, the sun has set and I am alone.
It's been awhile since I have been alone and it feels nice. I needed to do this for myself, leave a small and beautiful community that was created in Tulum near the ocean. I gave the last days my full attention because I knew it was all I had. The present, i thought to myself in the water, on the sand, smiling at my new friend Ines's face- ENJOY this, soon it will be gone.
And so I left Tulum, jumped on my bus, held a sleeping child on my lap, and relived all of the strange magic the world had thrown at me the week before.
Returning to Chiapas this morning with help and a quiet hostel all to my self...

This is what I wrote earlier today...

whenever you think things can't get any better, they do.

I'm on a bus headed back to Chiapas, I left more people I fell in love with, and so the cycle goes.

You love, you hold on, you let go, you find more.

People leave the bus now, a really beautiful large family, two girls with bangs and bright faces.

A woman sat next to me with her child, he would slowly fall into my lap and she would try to pull him back over apologizing, I would tell her "no te precepts" ( don't worry). I don't think she realized what medicine it was for me. Theres nothing i love more than holding a child in my arms. 

In the morning when he woke he would look over and smile a shy smile at me.

I interviewed an 11 year old on the street yesterday for the Wish Book, she told me she wished to be a doctora, because she liked to cure and help people.

I loved her beautiful and simple drawing of it.

My lips are sore. We spent the full moon in a place called Mahaual. It was one of the strangest and most bizarre- challenging and beautiful trips I have ever taken.

We kayaked out to the middle of the mediterranean and stayed there for hours while Carlos fished, my lips burnt from the sun. It was me, a beautiful french Charlotte, an amazing Argentinian Facu and the sweetest American/Guatemalan Jose.

The moon came out, llena luna. Full moon, large and beautiful. Our room was in the clouds in the sky and we could see the water where the moon reflected the most beautiful light on to it, just dancing.

I gave away a tarot deck before I left. I met this amazing guy named Coleman who had become a brother, silly and real, a Tennesse boy with the sweetest heart. I told him I had a vision of myself throwing away the cards and he said I think you should follow that.

I don't want to try to figure out the future any more. I like the cards as a tool, to help others, and sometimes even myself at times but he was really dead on when he said he thinks it makes me think too much about the questions and the answers. My virgo nature loves to over analyze.

They felt really good to let go of.

My friend Hadas from Israel was really happy to receive them.

She had told me one night, "whenever something bad happens, something good happens after."

I full heartedly believe that. Even leaving yesterday, everything about it was so smooth and so right, and still really hard.

Love wants to keep you places, but when i was drawing with Facu in the sky one day he gave me a word;

Esperanza.

Which is basically faith and trust.

I trust and have faith that wherever i am walking into next is where I am meant to.

The last day was spent on the beach with my new family and community, speaking french, spanish and learning some german and then swimming in the water. My friend told me a story in spanish and I would write it down. It was about a boy who lived in the clouds with a heart of water. He lived off of other peoples day dreams and thoughts.

Talkin with Hadas the first night she told me, " I wasn't happy, but I think it was meant to be this way."

She was talking about her time in the army in Israel. But she told me how it lead her into drawing and art, which is her passion now. She travels the world and at many places she stays for free and creates beautiful murals. She used my watercolors and fell in love with this new medium.

One night we all sat around making art, music was playing, Facu was making a large puppet and I was discussing dreams and wishes with two girls from Spain.

They were so kind, I told them I just wanted to listen to my "voz interiore" (inner voice) and trust myself. Sometimes I feel I don't have "confianza" that self trust.

She told me, but look at you- here you are "viaje sola" traveling solo, you do have trust in yourself.

"you are here, and maybe you feel you should be here"- and put her hand Way up high.

I smiled and was grateful for her reflection. How often do we pat ourselves on the back for realizing our dreams and where we are at, instead of thinking, how could i be doing this better?

SELF LOVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEE.

We are all works in progress but self love is serious important medicine I learn more and more about this everyday.

Whenever i lose my light I find it in another and it gets reflected and grows again, I love that about people.

The way we are continually learning from each other.

I am blessed.

Soon I will arrive in Chiapas, I hope to spend the day editing, I've collected so much and have been doing so much living that I haven't really set aside time to edit it together. Another reason I left last night, needed to create a bit of balance and giving to my projects so I can share all the strange magic before I slip into more of it. :)

I think I will head back to the community next to the river in Chiapas and then we will see.

alright heart, keep up the openness, mind keep out the fear, and soul keep up the shinning.

i heard this quote in guatemala, "you feel most alive when you forget that you are alive."

And now a quesadilla dinner with new friends from Switzerland.

Gratitude.

i wish everyone would give themselves what they want, and not rationalize why they don't deserve it.

All that you want is yours.

and all you have you want.

if not, accept, change, transform, adapt, create; Principles of Alchemy.

mmmmm Tracy Chapman is playing, and it feels so good to hear. I love what music can do.

night night