Sunday, July 27, 2014

renewal - refinding things

(photo found online)
it's almost one am.

I am 26 years old, Tom is sitting next to me listening to a song he just composed with his hand on my tummy.

We just returned back from a movie, I treated us with the money my Aunt had sent me in the mail. It was like being 6 and receiving birthday mail. it made my day and she sent it with a stone that said Magic on it.

The movie was all about life and death. About pain and sadness, beauty and gratitude.

 The other day I was online and I saw an old friend from high school post a picture of himself with his last treatment of Chemo from 6 months of therapy. This film was about kids who had suffered from cancer.

Lately I have been feeling this parallel and this incredible sense of impermanence. Death is not around me and yet my aliveness reminds me that one day I will no longer live. 

Tom sang a song to me while sitting on a cushion about two lovers meeting in a field, he leaves her where she laid and I asked him what it was about . He told me "Love, loss, and hope."

I asked him why loss? (Why loss my heart cries?) I knew the answer but he replied, "because we lose everything one day."

My eyes began to water and I remember feeling this deep sadness and understanding.

I will look at Tom sometimes and see how precious our life is, his being alive is, our loving each other in this moment and I'll find myself weeping. It sounds silly and it is, silly, real , beautiful and heart opening.

The movie reminded me of that, again and again, over and over I remember to give thanks, to cherish what I have, to really focus on how blessed I am. Not to get caught in dominance, or power or lack or the stories that corrupt the beauty of the moment.

 It's a continual flowering to remember what a blessing our lives are. How special the people are in it, and how lucky we truly are..

There are so many angels continually blessing us.

I found a page in a journal that simply said;

"the universe loves grateful people
release judgements about yourself"


I wrote the above about a week ago, I'm in LA now, the breeze is coming in the door, water is boiling on the stove , and I am waiting for two dear friends to arrive and take me to a show in LA.
Life is continually surprising me with its beauty. With love, with strangers and old friends.
Yesterday I saw my ex-boyfriend Ben. I had been carrying this book with me from Central America for over half a year. He had so generously supported my kickstarter project and in exchange I wanted to give him a small token of gratitude. I was surprised at how incredible it felt to see him, to just laugh and laugh and laugh. It felt like a good surreal dream.
This was the first time I have ever re-connected with any past love that I have been intimately close with and in a context where I am in a closed relationship and there is no agenda but to just be open. I just felt love, the sort of love I feel when I see my best friend Amy. In this moment there was no possession, no hurt, no strangeness, just joy and relief in a way.
There is something to say about facing your fears, and trusting your heart, and practicing or being unconditional love.
Tom blessed my going to see Ben, he had no insecurities or cares, that I could tell. I have always been given freedom from Tom, where it really counts, and that is a blessing. And freedom really belongs to all of us, freedom and boundaries. It's this strange and beautiful balance that only our hearts can define for us. Tom told me before I left "go get smoothies, go to the pier, get on the carousel! :)." He was joking but at the same time totally serious. It's all just love.
 Love is like energy- it doesn't really break, it only changes form. 

My grandpa is sick, he is old, I love him. He squeezes my hand and holds it firmly , he nods and today when I looked over and asked, "what do you think I should do Poopah?" He smiled and closed his eyes tightly, what I saw him say without words is Trust, what the heart knows cannot be seen through the eyes, and what will happen is an unfolding mystery you can only live.

I hiked with my Aunt today, we were in the Santa Monica mountains and found some native America structures. A board asked that we connect with the purity of Boney Mountain, and that it was a place for vision quests and the shaman's journey. 
I prayed and let nature speak to me, the dancing butterflies, the happy dogs with owners and the crows who left me a feather to play with in my fingers.
Amy has come and gone again, a soul sister who always comes to me when I really feel I could use a sister. Life is that way, it gives us all sort of medicine, herbal, humans, animals and magic. My medicine this time was Amy. Amy teaches me play, silliness and fun, over and over again. She teaches me about the spirit of no rules. I see why all these mirrors are so important for me.
My Grandpa is teaching me about the importance of life ! To be alive! What a dance, a brief magical dance.
Go for it, breathe, and know its all happening perfectly.
Even when things break, its all transformation for the highest good.

Crow medicine is about life's mysteries and magic, the sign of luck, the key words are destiny,  personal transformation and alchemy.
:) Yes please. more crow magic.

I set an intention for light hearted sweetness, thats what i got, my intention tonight it blissful happiness, and surprise.
I am so grateful for life's blessings.