Sunday, August 25, 2013

regalitos de la dia

full belly, rainy day.

i can't stop listening to this music a friend sent me awhile ago. this one song continually says "stay open."
and i just love that line, the whole feeling of the song, its like sensual and sleepy . haha

today i met a boy who took a crystal i received as a gift and wrapped it in purple macromeye. It was so cool to watch him hand make this necklace for me. All for 50 pesos, which is about 4 dollars.

I don't know why I woke up with some doubts and anxiety, I opened a book called the 72 names of God. I got it for a friend who helped fund my project and have been carrying it around ever since. The page I opened to was "Fear-less". It talks about stepping into your fears to reveal light and really ask yourself, "what am i afraid of?"

It was a good question. So I went up to the roof of the hostel to talk to the sky, dance, stretch and eat breakfast.
I asked myself my fears and spoke them aloud.
I'm afraid of being alone.
I'm afraid I won't have enough.
I'm afraid I'll never stop moving.
I'm afraid I won't find one community.
I'm afraid of knowing my Father.
I'm afraid that I won't accomplish my dreams.
I'm afraid i don't know what I want.
The list went on for some time.

Then I asked myself what I was grateful for, or what I loved about myself.
I'm grateful that I am here.
I am grateful that I take care of myself and my body.
I am grateful to my art.
I am grateful that I follow my dreams.
I am grateful that I listen to my inner voice.
I am grateful that I have such amazing friends.
I am grateful that I can inspire my family.
And the list went on.

I danced and felt a little lighter.

Then I spent the day walking around this little european looking city.
I thought of what a friend said the other day, "don't move until you know it is right, don't move until you know it is right"
No need to rush.

For a minute I really wanted to try to make it to NY for a vision quest in mid September. Which is a Native American tradition where you go out into the wilderness and spend 3 nights and days without eating or drinking and receive visions. It sounds really intense but also , I don't know , really beautiful and I'm drawn to it.  I'm at a point where I am asking for visions on how to navigate through the path. But at the same time, I feel I am also on my own vision quest in Mexico and to cut my time short here would be counter productive in some way. It's all perspective I suppose.
But for some reason an artists exhibition name comes to mind;
"Take your time."
So i feel I may be guided to take my time here and finish up my Mexico Chapter as I feel theres still a lot to explore in the month.

Mali cooked an amazing dinner of rice and veggies. I moved over to her house to stay for a night or two before moving to the community.
Where ever I am I am never really alone and I love how open people .

Earlier this year I had a vision of being pregnant, people kept telling me and my ex Ben that I was going to have a child. Ha, thats what happens when you're in a very spiritual community with astrologists, psychics and shamans, they project what they feel. And then it was strange, I began to feel it too.
After things ended I also felt the possibility fade away, it was strange and sort of one of the hardest things about the ending.  Almost like an emptiness. That possibility and fertility being turned off. Not that I really think I was going to have a baby that year, but still there was this strange beautiful energy and possibility there, like a portal.
But it's funny, I'm being to feel it again. I don't know how or why, and can't explain it, but its comforting. I feel guided and protected almost. I don't have a solid partnership or a grounded home, but I do feel all this fertility.

Sometimes I lose myself a bit and ask what I am doing with the Wish Book.
But today I found an article written over a year ago in India and it was like, to hear someone else's perspective, I remembered why I was doing it. And it's about every interaction, every person I get to talk with and see them share their dreams! I remember, and maybe its the journey and less the outcome.

its sort of crazy the amount of people I've gotten to meet and work with.
I am so grateful to this beautiful strange unfolding dream and life.
Wishes change everyday, and every day is such a mystery, but every day is a gift.

Thursday, August 22, 2013


good old bobby.

I'm on a rooftop where it is cold, the sun has set and I am alone.
It's been awhile since I have been alone and it feels nice. I needed to do this for myself, leave a small and beautiful community that was created in Tulum near the ocean. I gave the last days my full attention because I knew it was all I had. The present, i thought to myself in the water, on the sand, smiling at my new friend Ines's face- ENJOY this, soon it will be gone.
And so I left Tulum, jumped on my bus, held a sleeping child on my lap, and relived all of the strange magic the world had thrown at me the week before.
Returning to Chiapas this morning with help and a quiet hostel all to my self...

This is what I wrote earlier today...

whenever you think things can't get any better, they do.

I'm on a bus headed back to Chiapas, I left more people I fell in love with, and so the cycle goes.
You love, you hold on, you let go, you find more.

People leave the bus now, a really beautiful large family, two girls with bangs and bright faces.

A woman sat next to me with her child, he would slowly fall into my lap and she would try to pull him back over apologizing, I would tell her "no te precepts" ( don't worry). I don't think she realized what medicine it was for me. Theres nothing i love more than holding a child in my arms. 
In the morning when he woke he would look over and smile a shy smile at me.

I interviewed an 11 year old on the street yesterday for the Wish Book, she told me she wished to be a doctora, because she liked to cure and help people.
I loved her beautiful and simple drawing of it.

My lips are sore. We spent the full moon in a place called Mahaual. It was one of the strangest and most bizarre- challenging and beautiful trips I have ever taken.
We kayaked out to the middle of the mediterranean and stayed there for hours while Carlos fished, my lips burnt from the sun. It was me, a beautiful french Charlotte, an amazing Argentinian Facu and the sweetest American/Guatemalan Jose.

The moon came out, llena luna. Full moon, large and beautiful. Our room was in the clouds in the sky and we could see the water where the moon reflected the most beautiful light on to it, just dancing.

I gave away a tarot deck before I left. I met this amazing guy named Coleman who had become a brother, silly and real, a Tennesse boy with the sweetest heart. I told him I had a vision of myself throwing away the cards and he said I think you should follow that.
I don't want to try to figure out the future any more. I like the cards as a tool, to help others, and sometimes even myself at times but he was really dead on when he said he thinks it makes me think too much about the questions and the answers. My virgo nature loves to over analyze.
They felt really good to let go of.
My friend Hadas from Israel was really happy to receive them.
She had told me one night, "whenever something bad happens, something good happens after."

I full heartedly believe that. Even leaving yesterday, everything about it was so smooth and so right, and still really hard.
Love wants to keep you places, but when i was drawing with Facu in the sky one day he gave me a word;
Which is basically faith and trust.
I trust and have faith that wherever i am walking into next is where I am meant to.
The last day was spent on the beach with my new family and community, speaking french, spanish and learning some german and then swimming in the water. My friend told me a story in spanish and I would write it down. It was about a boy who lived in the clouds with a heart of water. He lived off of other peoples day dreams and thoughts.

Talkin with Hadas the first night she told me, " I wasn't happy, but I think it was meant to be this way."
She was talking about her time in the army in Israel. But she told me how it lead her into drawing and art, which is her passion now. She travels the world and at many places she stays for free and creates beautiful murals. She used my watercolors and fell in love with this new medium.
One night we all sat around making art, music was playing, Facu was making a large puppet and I was discussing dreams and wishes with two girls from Spain.
They were so kind, I told them I just wanted to listen to my "voz interiore" (inner voice) and trust myself. Sometimes I feel I don't have "confianza" that self trust.
She told me, but look at you- here you are "viaje sola" traveling solo, you do have trust in yourself.
"you are here, and maybe you feel you should be here"- and put her hand Way up high.
I smiled and was grateful for her reflection. How often do we pat ourselves on the back for realizing our dreams and where we are at, instead of thinking, how could i be doing this better?

We are all works in progress but self love is serious important medicine I learn more and more about this everyday.
Whenever i lose my light I find it in another and it gets reflected and grows again, I love that about people.
The way we are continually learning from each other.
I am blessed.

Soon I will arrive in Chiapas, I hope to spend the day editing, I've collected so much and have been doing so much living that I haven't really set aside time to edit it together. Another reason I left last night, needed to create a bit of balance and giving to my projects so I can share all the strange magic before I slip into more of it. :)
I think I will head back to the community next to the river in Chiapas and then we will see.

alright heart, keep up the openness, mind keep out the fear, and soul keep up the shinning.

i heard this quote in guatemala, "you feel most alive when you forget that you are alive."

And now a quesadilla dinner with new friends from Switzerland.

i wish everyone would give themselves what they want, and not rationalize why they don't deserve it.
All that you want is yours.
and all you have you want.
if not, accept, change, transform, adapt, create; Principles of Alchemy.

mmmmm Tracy Chapman is playing, and it feels so good to hear. I love what music can do.
night night

Saturday, August 10, 2013

little moments

I found this image as part of an animated gif on Tumblr and loved it.

It's 2 am and i can't quite sleep, even though the lights are off I feel everyone sleeping in this room is a little restless. Maybe it's something to do with the moon. Its a crescent now, my favorite. :)

How do you open your throat chakra more? I asked Vanessa and Austin on the beach tonight. They said chanting, singing, om-ing.
I wonder what else though.
I sang for Vanessa while we laid with our backs in the sand with the sound of rolling waves and stars appearing in the sky.
We tried to find Orion's belt and Austin finally pointed it out.

I had a dinner in all spanish with some beautiful Argentinians and a girl from Germany.
Was incredible how much I could understood. Religion was brought up, everyone sort of agreed that they weren't religious but had faith in something. Faith and love, this girl was so beautiful. She runs around the hostel and hugs her dog all night, every time she talks to her boyfriend she says "Mi Amor". My love. And they both have the most incredible smiles.

I've been asking people what their favorite part of the day is, my sister told me today that it was a baby laughing at his dad, she said she was so surprised to see it have a personality. I told her mine was swimming in the ocean pretending I was a dolpin.
Ha, anything to revert back to childhood, or the natural state of innocence rather. I'd come up for air and look over the water and see the crescent moon and venus in the sky. My two friends sitting on the beach. I thought, how perfect and would float on my back until water would swish over my face.
Simple joys.
I now call in moreee and moree joy into my life.

I interviewed the most amazing group of kids today. They were so open, they came straight up to me.
For them, the most important things in their lives were
"my parents"
"my family"
"my friends"
"i don't know"
ha, always one person in the group whose too shy to know, or maybe doesn't think in terms of favorites. Sometimes I get kids who also get it, like "what nonsense is this question?"
One of the 8 yr olds asked me if I spoke french and began speaking to me in french. She spoke french, spanish, english and portuguese, was from Mexico.It was pretty wild. Down to earth open eyed beauty.

The Argentineans invited me for dinner tonight in the hostel. Empanadas, and coca-cola.
Cheese, olives, tomatoes, spinach and sugar never tasted so good.
Food, with good people, no matter what, can just taste so good.
Soda is something I am getting used to.

It's been really nice to see my friend Austin, he's teaching me what meditation is again. The way he naturally falls in and out of it during his day. His humor, kindness, and incredible chocolate. I'm grateful to his girlfriend and his love with her, it inspires me. Happy silly dolphins.

I walked a lot today, I was tired and overwhelmed in this heat. I moved into something that grounds me, talking to a friend.
I skyped my friend Nina and it was so good to talk to her, Amazing what friendship can do , I interviewed a woman once and she said talking with a friend is love, I totally agree now on a new level.
She's getting married in over 6 mths in Chile and I can't really believe it. I mean I can but it's like I remember her 16 yr old self taking drawing classes with me and now to see her at 25 planning a wedding is beautiful.

Hows your health? What's your body saying to you?
The body is always talking. This guy told me today his wish was for health, because he said thats the first thing.
And it really is, I am grateful for my health, my heart and that I can walk, talk, sing and dance. Some people can't! Gratitudeeee.

I have some new visions and things cooking in my pot.
It's exciting and intimidating, but mainly exciting and beautiful.
Become your dream, become your dream, be the thing you want to be until you Are that thing. Just do it.
You got it.


Ok night night, creative surge outletted and time for sleep.

Waking to intense dreams of children and flying cars.


Monday, August 5, 2013

New Beginnings

there are these moments, where i just want to bottle life up.
the beauty and love of it.
the magic, the unpredictability.
I fell asleep on the lake a few nights ago with my italian family.
I looked around and asked Otto, "should we move off the dock so we don't get cold?"

He nodded, i put my head down and he began stroking my hair, I will never forget how good that felt or the beauty of the simple gestures. It was so soothing. 

I began traveling with this amazing italian brother and sister.
I knew these two for only a week but it definitely felt like life times.
Strange how that can happen. I had never fallen so in love with siblings like this before.
Everything about how they were together and how they were independently.
Otto shared the same birthday as me and every time I looked at him I felt something that would make me smile.
Lea was this fire-y beauty who would make friends anywhere we'd go. Fearless and trusting of the world.
There was this theme of acceptance and humor in everything.

We hitch-hiked across Mexico. Snuck in and enjoyed the ruins, we're basically adopted by a family traveling from Vera Cruz and would eat all sorts of delicious food together.

I miss them already, but also felt it was time for me to go to Puerto Morelos, I will see them before they go, I have to.

I need those hugs and that warmth one more time on this trip.

So It's been about a week and a half since I left the little home I lived in in San Cristobal Mexico.

So much has happened.
I've been traveling with this sweet Brit whose always on the guitar, nice to have continual back ground music to life.
My skin is warm today from the sun's kiss yesterday. A soft pink/red all over.
I swam in the ocean to cleanse away all the fears or doubts that the mind had felt from leaving people I got so close too- separation can be hard!
But i read today in the dao, "you can't lose what you do not grasp."
While traveling expectations can rise and fall, nostalgia can come up, fear, all sorts of things, its really this dance of continually plunging into the unknown and surrendering. And then more magic and blessings ensue.

After San Cristobal and before hitch-hiking we headed to this "Shaman community" about an hour away.
We arrived to this little nature haven next to a stream and I immediately fell in love with it.
Sylvain, the women who runs it showed me a dorm where the "two italians" we're staying.
Little did I know how strong of a connection it would be, but my intuition told me to stay there.

Everyone there was from all over Mexico and other places a bit.
Everyone would eat together and help out with things around the land.

The first night we watched a movie about the Mayans.
The next day we hiked through the hills and then swam in the stream.
Every person there carried something with them that was unique and open and beautiful.
I immediately bonded with Lea and her brother Otto.
I loved the way they we're with each other, funny, understanding and loving.

My second night there I got to do a Temazcal (sweat lodge) with a family and Marzos, Sylvain's partner. It was so powerful.
I had been wanting to do one so badly and the it just appeared.
Marzos told me the ceremony was full but for some reason I didn't believe it, I just saw myself there. 
I went and meditated next to the alter, in the sun, my desire to be in it was strong but with time I let go of it, I realized that no matter what, whether I could join or not, it would be perfect.
It was only then, when my desire was gone, did Marzos come up and tell me I was going to be a part of the ceremony.

Me and the family that was going in smiled and laughed, they knew how badly I wanted to sing.
We saged, did a prayer around the alter and entered.
The heat was so nice, I love the way you can just feel it engulf you, like actual flames burning what you don't need.
After Marzos used his shell flute and sang he asked me if I had a song.
A sang a ceremony song in english loud and echoing, it felt so good.

There were 4 different times to open the doors to let cool air in.
Each time was different and at one point we all began massaging each other's toe's.
The ceremony ended with this prayer a young girl did for me over my heart, to create more space in my heart, releasing the old. Her and everyone's words echoed the room in Spanish, it was sooo incredible and we all howled at the end like wolves and laughed and smiled.
After we got out we jumped in the stream as the last light of the day was leaving.

Everything was sort of pastel colored.
So much gratitude.

This is what happens when I look at the stars, I look and see them smiling and think- "thank you- even in moments of doubt - thank you."
It's all aligned.

I arrived in Puerto Morelos two days ago, to this sweet man's house with Robin and to a friend who I had done ceremony with in December.
She is creating a healing center here in the most magical place I have ever seen, wood and art and white and nature. I don't know how she found it but it's a gift to manifest her dreams.
I interviewed her for the Wish Book and drew her. It was inspiring to see someone so actively pursuing and doing what they believed in.
Following the heart.

Either today or tomorrow I get to see one of the most magical friends in my life from NY. My little chocolate maker, yogi Austin from NY.
It will be so nice to see someone from the states who I love so much.

I spoke to a friend Camilla today and we picked words for each other, I gave her "sillyness" and she gave me faith and said;
"see what you want/are headed towards like a clear blue light/tunnel
and follow it!
you will get there"

It was so nice to hear.

Then she gave me this happy song:

mmmmmm, happpyyyyy day.
More magic to ensue, enjoy and love.
New moon in Leo tomorrow! Time to shine. :)