show em what we hide

show em what we hide

that line is coming from a song my friend just sent me from his new album.
so good.

i am listening to music and writing next to a fire outside under the full moon.
the fire goes out every so often and my dad puts more wood on, the crackles burst and as i move closer I wonder if any embers will jump out at me.

they don't though and i continue to look at the moon in the sky as she climbs a little higher each time i look up at her.
She's such a perfect lamp in the sky and I recall the sunset just a few hours ago.
Foggy pastels and smeared blurs of murky light pinks, blues and yellows.

so much has changed and yet nothing seems to have changed at all.

As i drove home today blasting music to soothe my ears and heart, I felt this heaviness, this curiosity, am I in the same place I found myself a year ago?
what patterns have been repeated, what forward momentum have i even made?

My dad leaves me to the fire and blows out candles in the dinning room, the smoke hangs heavy in the air swirling for a few moments, the fire out here is larger then before.

I remember the sweat lodge a few weeks ago, the large fire before we entered the womb, the way i was already sweating.

I got home and thought of my list of "twenty things that ground and center me" that I made after my last meeting with Debby.
I thought of number 4 or 5 "walking outside/in nature" so i jumped back in my car and took myself to the hill with a path that revealed the sunset around it. I'd have to run to make it around its large hump to see the horizon.
I took the path and started running, I was crying before I even got there, so much had happened in a year and yet i felt the pain of all the loss and confusion that had come with it- even with all the beauty and magic.
I ran and ran through the little dust path, a rabbit ran in front of me and I said "hello rabbit- you little good luck symbol".
I kept running and something told me to slow down, to still in my body.
As i finally turned a corner I found the sky a bright light pink on the horizon, the sun was covered with clouds but they made these beautiful edges of pink and gold around the shapes of them. One looked like a big blob of heart. I sat in the clearing and just pulled my legs into me. The ground was surprisingly soft and i found the largest ant/beetle I'd ever seen sitting next to me.

I sat there for awhile and searched for a soul that I could connect to on that hill besides myself. I spoke to my brother for a few moments but could tell he was busy, at an aquarium with friends, I could imagine his light hearted self enjoying the jelly fish.
Then I talked to a soul sister in Austin, she was preparing for a moon ceremony, she told me about her truths, what this new moon was revealing to her.
I asked her about how she dealt with shadows, with the feelings that i felt were coming up for me, why I felt in the same place, with more of the same confusion.
She told me to really look at it, but find that inner child, really reach out to it, regardless of anyone else involved not needing approval or justification from those sources either, but what does that child need and want. After all the most important relationship is the one we have with ourselves.

The fire is burning out now, my dad forgot to turn off the fountain as I can hear water continually tumbling in the distance.

I unloaded some of my stuff in my old room, I went into this tiny room I have, full of old art and pieces of past chapters of my life. I found a small cardboard box from someone who was very close to me, a white rolled up paper in it.

the logs fall on the fire and the water is slowly stopping now.
everything slowing down.

the note said;

"Sometimes life presents
us with situations similar
to a spiral on a snail shell,
where from one perspective
it may seem like we're
repeating ourselves, but
if you look from further out
you can see that things are
different, and that
g r o w t h     h a s    o c c u r r e d ."

thank you beautiful note, coming back to me right when i need you.

(btw, any LA friends, I have been doing body therapy with this amazing woman out here, if you have any interest contact me, or contact her at debby@debbyjay.com)

Personal Space

I met with Debby on Thursday after a surreal night. I was exhausted and overwhelmed.

I felt into my body. I unloaded things that had accumulated there. She asked me what it would feel like to create space around me, to protect myself.
I told her I would have a lake around me. All this water. She said "like you're on an island."
I repeated over and over "this is my space, and your not allowed in it without my permission."

Things can come in so quickly and unannounced sometimes. Sometimes I feel like an observer, a deer, who watches silently, unsure if they should move or stay.

Debby wrote on a card for me a sort of mantra:

truth.

We always have the choice to stay or go.

I'm really beginning to work on making these choices for myself, remembering the idea of allowing it to be for the highest good of all, but that I am included in that most importantly.

I have the choice to do what serves me.

The week  before that I had met with her in New York over skype.

New York was a little slice of joy, bliss and creativity.

That place always is.

Over our skype meeting she had me do different exercises where I observed things in the room, observing how they affected me, on whether or not I liked them or agreed with them.

Instead of allowing them to draw me in energetically, I'd let them come to me and just observe the effect.

A good thing to use in other situations.

Practice, practice.

I felt my body held by the chair that was carrying me. She asked me to feel it on my back. To feel its support, it was like a giant hand holding me.

I flew the other night in my dream, I became lucid and decided I wanted to fly. Was so liberating in a way. I could only not fly anymore when I came back down and tried to take people or things with me.

I thought of the bird I visualized in Debby's office, the way it flapped around its cage frantically, so afraid and hurt, I saw myself open the door and nurture it, telling it that I would never hurt it the way I did again. We must be so gentle with our hearts, souls, minds and psyche's.

Here are some uplifting images from New York.

Life has many contrasts.

I'm trying to figure out less in my life, not get so worried about decisions.

In New York Debby said to me " You'd be surprised at how much of life you don't actually have to figure out."

For some reason hearing that from someone else was such a relieving- "oh yes moment."

(If you're interested in meeting with Debby who is a great teacher you can find her at debby@debbyjay.com and debbyjay.com )