here we go.....
I'm learning how to love every day.
How to breathe, to let go, to laugh.
Yo La Tengo is playing in my ears.
A little over a year ago I fell in love again.
" I remember before we met.."
That line in this song "We're on our way to fall..."
We're always falling, falling back into this moment. Some days are hard, some days we aren't seeing or experiencing the same thing. Fear may creep in, but then when we come back to the moment, when love is what we chose to experience. We fall, fall again, in and through. It's sort of like swimming.
Sometimes you choke on the water, or your vision is blurry. But we keep swimming.
I don't know how my life will end. David from the teahouse always says when you ask him about the future.."I don't know where I'll be tomorrow, if I'll be alive in 5 minutes when I leave here.."
Thats the truth. we don't know.
"ya we're on our way
.. to fall in love.."
But we can fall in love if we chose.
Recently a friend passed away. I didn't know her very well but she left a very big mark on my heart. The day I found out we went and prayed at the land of the medicine buddha and played the flute. I asked Tom if I was crazy, if it was silly that I was crying so much. I felt like her death broke something open in me. He said of course not, she is your sister, your spirit kin. She's a part of your family.
We went to her memorial in Portland and it was so beautiful. So incredible to see the people gather together and sing songs for her and speak of her. Her partner Elijah is something else. The way he held space for everyone, healed everyone with his love and acceptance and strength. It was like majesty, I felt this christ like compassion and universal love emanating from him. It was really powerful.
Three little kittens slept with us at the magical community we stayed at called OneDoorland.
One kitten nusseled into Tom's armpit, licked the hair in there and then went to bit his nipple. It was so cute and so sweet to see this innocent little thing try to get milk out of him and then cuddle back into his armpit. I felt like I had just experienced ceremony. And her memorial sort of was a ceremony, song and prayer and tears. We listened to audio from Richard Rudd on Simplicity and Forgiveness.
Ahhhh, forgiveness and ahhh simplicity.
Oh how we can overcomplicate and chose to not accept ourselves or others. That is the opposite of forgiveness, When we are unable to accept ourselves or the world around us.
Forgiveness is powerful, "It is the divine spark" Richard says.
This community really inspired me. I was there so briefly but there was such an intentionality there that emanated from what was created. Binah's vision and home was incredible. I remember when she had first told Tom and I about it and about how they had artists in residence. I didn't realize what magic was there. It was a gift to share that small pocket of time. The hearts that were so willing to share and open. And then laughter. It's so nice when you can be in a group and cry and laugh and heal. Richard has a key that says, "every intentional act is a magical act." I would love to be in such a focused artistic community. Magic intentions abound.
And then there's the now.
I am grateful for the now.
We drove back through space, through Mt. Shasta. And arrived at Panther Meadows at 11:00 pm. It was cold, there was ice on the ground. I peed in a patch of white snow and saw the most magical and giant shooting star I had ever seen. The night winked at me.
We walked around and the energy was so crisp. So alive.
We decided not to camp in the ice and snow. As to avoid freezing over and went and camped at castle lake. Tom and I huddled together for warmth and I'd wake and cover his face with my scarf.
I didn't dream, I just slept - slept hard.
When we woke we walked around castle lake. Tom was our guide, like Samwise Gamgee in the Lord of the Rings. He took Steve and I a little further, and further and further.
He was determined to find the meadow where he had had the vision of him and I a year ago. He saw us returning every year and eventually returning with our kids.
We found it, it was iced over and we stood over the valley and looked over it all. I was happy to be there with him. A year and a half ago when he had come on his retreat there I had been in Central America. I was healing and learning and he was doing his own work here. And then life brought us back together where Tom would teach me how to love unconditionally. Over and over.
When you can forgive anything, then you are free.
A year ago and then today.
Tom pointed to two trees today. He asked me what they embodied. We had been having a rough morning, just miscommunication and mis-understanding. I said being, air, peace, comfort. He said that is our relationship, those our the qualities we do or have the potential to embody too.
The first day we met we omed around a tree and the 5th we meditated under two trees together.
I've always felt trees symbols of peace and understanding. They give and ask for nothing in return.
Today is the fourth of November, I am 26. I don't know what it is that I will do in my lifetime, or how long I will live to. I know that yesterday a 5 month old looked in my eyes and smiled and smiled until I almost cried of joy, and today a friend had lavender purple hair. I know that my feet like the feeling of grass and my ears enjoy the sound of the flute.
I know I have been working at one of my favorite places on earth and it has been a challenge and gift.
I know that everything is changing and that I have 10 fingers and 10 toes.
I know that I can chose what to paint. There are maybe 25 people in this cafe with me, They all have their own worries and fears, and joys and blisses. They are not separate from me. I think thats the big reminder in love, we are not separate. Give others the freedom, space, and understanding you would want.
Here we are, all travelling through space. In the beginning of November.