moon body

i dreamt of this voice last night.
it was my own and it spoke louder and louder, it said stop ignoring me or shutting me out. I woke and asked questions that came through my sleeping lips, "why are you doing what you're doing?"
"How does it serve you?"

I felt more of the inner workings of my body this week.
I worked with Debby and the session was a hazy dream, a dream of looking at things, feeling things, allowing space and being in the body.
Amy called me and I told her these pictures showed what I felt like I was under all this skin, "glowing white goodness."
The essence of whats inside. A moon body.

It's the full moon today, which always feels like a day of celebration and illumination.
The "perilous questions" that Debby shared with me this week are, "whats true for me, and what do i want?"
The answers becoming more and more clear each moment.

Whales came to me in my dreams, whales mixed with sharks. We rode on their backs and they took us to shore.
The ocean representing the emotions of our lives, and the whales harboring them, the sharks, moving through them with confidence and clarity. Both carrying the wisdom and protection to show a clear way through something that feels so vast. Life.

It's been raining recently and with it comes a purifying calm.

I've been keeping this picture of this happy deer present.
To keep myself smiling through every different emotion and moment that passes.
Live presently, feel continuously. I can sense all these halves of myself becoming whole, rebreeding and becoming whole again.

I met a girl yesterday who told me "I trust my feelings completely and even if they are somewhat wrong , they aren't wrong I just learn from them."
She was a sort of other worldly warrior goddess. I did a shoot with her and admired the strength she seemed to carry in her self trust. 

We spoke of someone who is going to be bringing a baby into the world, and what a gift it is. Life is such a gift, I saw an accident on the side of the road on our way to the desert, these cars all smashed up and flipped over and thought, life is fragile.
I asked my dreams last night to show me a clear path, I danced through an airport and fell in love with everyone I met, people coming around me to support me.
At the end I bought some glitter to help this girl shine. 
Everyone here to help each other shine, move forward and grow.


I may be headed out towards new orleans and new mexico for a bit, but body therapy continues!
(and You can reach Debby at debby@debbyjay.com and debbyjay.com) 

Sunday- Continual New Beginnings

Mantra of the Day:
Today i embrace my potential to be , do and have whatever I can dream.

This past week flew by.
It was one of creativity and connectivity.
I had another session with Debby and I'm learning little by little that this may be such experiential work that trying to describe it is somewhat difficult. Like trying to describe what air is to someone whose never realized they we're breathing. I think of the metaphor for trying trying to describe water to fish.
I begin to describe it to someone and I find myself talking about what I did with my body.
The way i pushed metaphorical walls away from me and off me to make space.
How Debby held on to my ankles for a long time as I laid on a table.
Asking me how it felt,
"like i was tree with roots coming down into the earth."

I walked in there with a whole lot of energy.
I told her i wanted to shake it off, or move it around. That's when we started moving invisible barriers, I pushed against her as we walked across the room hands touching. It was nice to be able to push back, or push out, use a strength and let it be there.

I sat down and felt better.
Told her I felt a bit of this sadness. A flowing in my heart center.
She asked me, "what if you allowed that to be there, what would that be like?"
It was like water, slowly moving, I made the gesture with my hands, and slowly saw little waves, like a little stream moving out of me.

I asked her where she thought anxiety comes from.
She said there are different situations, but usually it comes from a situation, but not the actual situation, but the thought, "I don't know how to handle this situation, or I don't know if I can."
I guess it's the feeling of helplessness, powerless-ness, or maybe inadequacy that gives rise to these feelings of anxiety.
She described a scenario with a snake, how if you walked into a jungle, or clearing and a snake was in your path, it wouldn't be the actual snake that gave the anxiety, but the idea of not knowing what to do, or whether you felt like you could handle the situation or not. Your reaction.
I saw many situations in my life reflected in that metaphor.

A little voice in me wants to just go- C"MON! I CAN DO THIS.
Maybe I'm working on letting that trust node grow now.

Then I laid down. She held my ankles as I said. And it felt like a support, rather then a weighing down. As if I was supported by the earth like a tree with roots.
She put her hands on the edge of my body so I could feel my edges. Then she allowed me space so I could feel the space around me.
At one point she came around to my head and sort of lengthened it in a way, or gently held it.
I noticed how my whole body felt connected, it was the first time in a while where I realized how often I live from my head, how disconnected from the body i can be.
I thought of a balloon for a head- a floating head, with the body way down away from me.
But in that moment I really noticed, feeling different parts of my body, how much my body has to say, how much it wants and needs to be acknowledged. So different then trying to intellectualize everything from a mental point.
Sort of relieving in a way.

I left the session with a lightness.
I walked around and made friends with a tree.
His little branch hanging down like an arm reaching out for an embrace or handshake.
How do you do, nice to meet you.

What new magic will I experience today?

Sweet rose is here from New York, and the warm sun is kissing my favorite tree in my front yard, the leaves golden and hanging on like little decorations.
I listen to some of my favorite music and breathe into my back.
This is where I am.
The white overtone wizard sings sweetly to herself.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eb6Npon06CI

You can reach Debby at debby@debbyjay.com and debbyjay.com .

Seer Series, a magical event over the new moon

" Each of us has about the same destiny, communicating truth to the people, in whatever their specialty is."
Norman Baker

I heard this over the past weekend at an event called a "Seer Series."
My boyfriend helped put it on and it was this great little eclectic group of people all speaking their truth in different ways. It was a bit like the seasons, each person carrying a different energy and feel. Some calmer and cooler and some hotter and quicker. Each beautiful in their own way.

As I sat and filmed and photographed I loved watching the people take in the information and react, I liked enjoying my own reactions too.

Ben, my boyfriend spoke about Belief. How we shape our lives based on what we believe, how happiness is an inside job. He actually talked about horses at one point, how there were a group of Doctors who had no people skills whatsoever, they were treating humans like machines, so they made them work with horses, what they saw is they learned how to work with them on a different level of communication. Ben pointed out that horses don't use their heads in the same way humans do, they can't pretend or lie, they will use their hearts and do what feels right (not think), the doctors had to respond to this, by these lessons maybe they could learn to work with people too.
I thought of my time with horses on the New Year, their incredibly healing presence.
He also spoke about Magic and Alchemy, two of my favorite topics.
How alchemy is actually the process of transformation. We do this all the time, we can transform a situation with a smile, with compassion, a random act of kindness, or more importantly our perception.
If we can transform our perception, the way we experience the world, into a more positive one, then we have transformed our lives, but we can't pretend, it takes a conscious choice to choose happiness, or rather to choose lightness.

"Your beliefs influence your world and all that is around you, so what you think does affect your actions." He talks about how we are born into the light of the universe, but our first experience with anguish, or awakening, which could be birth then leads to shadow and discomforts, and then we act , in a state, moving from unity to duality, trying to continually get back to unity, thinking by taking action we can get back to unity. It's the process of understanding that no action is needed, that you already are unity or absolution.
This notion continues to present itself to me, one already being in god form, its just a matter of recognizing it in yourself.

After Ben's session, my friend Jynette Lewis spoke.
She spoke on the divine feminine and led us into a calming, grounding meditation. Where I felt the left side of my body open up, with a pop of my ear.
 But what really stuck out to me was her wish, which went a little something like this:
"My wish for you is that you no longer question your importance, your validity, your worth.
That you no longer seek validation and that you share your gifts.
Share yourself. And no longer try to make everyone agree with you."
I think our culture among many, is an appeasing culture, we try to make everyone agree and again, we all just need to live out our truths, understanding that other people may not agree, and that is their choice, we don't need to hold that in against ourselves or them.
She explained that we're moving into a time where not everything has to be so me and then you (huge space or difference), and not everything has to be the same, but there's less contrast. More of a blue to a green, and less I'm red and you're blue, we can all have a deeper level for compassion and understanding for each other.

Lastly she said, "You gotta enjoy this, you can't take this so seriously. It's supposed to be fun."
I could not agree more.
It's ok to accept everything you feel too, "You're allowed to not like it. It's ok to be sad, it's ok to love sex."
Accepting everything that shows up for you.

As the night moved on we took a break, I stepped into the cool outside air watching the colors fade and the sun slowly move down.
Art Tarbi spoke next, he is sort of a magician of this supplement called Ormus.

 I don't even know exactly how to talk about it, except that its this magical white almost toothpaste-y looking food you take a taste of that completely opens up things in a new way. I had some from the Shiva sample, which stands for letting go of the old to make room for the new, releasing all that doesn't serve you anymore.
Seemed about right to me.
Art spoke about awareness. About living innocently in the NOW, but without naiveté. I asked him about this and he described it as being able to recognize the divine, say in a alligator who is existing in front of you, but knowing not to go give it a hug because it will bite your head off, or better yet, to experience the world and yet not to go step in front of a moving car. Innocence, and awareness while still knowing your boundaries.
The idea of "oneness" came up too, a few people we're chiming in at this point, everyone wanting to share their idea on it and he asked, what is keeping us from this oneness?
Someone said , comfort.
Ahh, yes. It's more comfortable to be where I am, then to rather step into the unknown, which would ask me to change, to evolve, and yet that could be the thing that would bring you to that oneness. If only we could step into that, allow it.
" What happens when I let whatever rises to arise?"
"Seeing things as they really are."
I've taken two meditation courses on this theory, the word " Vipassana" meaning to see things as they really are."
I honestly can't say if I do see things as they really are, even still, but I guess its subjective. I see them 'as they really are to me. And Art points out "Realizing that other people choose to see things this way and thats how they choose."

Stepping away from attachments and aversions and moving into wisdom.
"Wisdom arises when you can see all the problems of the world and just see them."

And on that note Norman spoke next.

Norman was a sweet man wearing bright pink and green who claimed to have a soul of a 13 year.
His talk involved singing, and color reading, and a whole lot of goofy laughter.
Which felt great, laughter always does.
Norman was actually a paraplegic who was told he would never walk again and then healed himself through color therapy.

One of the first things he said was,

"let go,
let go,
let go.

0 tolerance for anything other then the NOW."

He told us to keep it simple and then began doing color readings with his pendulum, checking people's ages and health.
He had told me to bring more red- first chakra into my life, grounding and sexual energy.
He also told me I was also 13, and in 6 months I would progress to the soul of 19 years old.
Everyone enjoyed his energy and contagious happiness.

A few days have past and I'm feeling the bliss of 2013, things started a little slow and has been sort of moving moving since.
I asked for more things to occupy my time and whenever I ask for things i forget they are ALWAYS given. I pulled the tower in my tarot deck followed by temperance.Moving from all things happening at once to more structure, moderation and success. The temperance card always looks like this beautiful alchemist women mixing things together to bring about a new concoction linked to intuition and I'm all about embodying that.

The Seer Series will be a monthly happening for anyone interested in LA.

http://www.facebook.com/SeerSeries?fref=ts

Pretty magical amazing creatures are bound to talk and share.

I spoke to my friend Dominic last night about doing a crystal bowl session even.

Other worldly stuff.

On that note I am off.

Adieu.

Alexander Technique. Somatic Experiencing and Life as of late

There's a blue bird who speaks to me on my porch. I just got done with a yoga practice and the line, "when you give energy, you get energy" comes back to me.
So I am going to pour that into my writing.

"to thine own self be true"

Yesterday I worked with a woman named Debby Jay, she works with people doing a form of healing work known as the Alexander Technique. I had never heard of this before New Years, so when I met her and discovered what she does I wanted to know more.
The front of her house was covered with soft yellow leaves, and as I stepped over them I felt a sense of relief, the color yellow always comforts me.

What I discovered was that the Alexander Technique is designed to help people attune to their inner experience. Or rather the work Debby does is to help people get in tune with their inner experience and their bodies by also using somatic experiencing.
She explained to me how people are not always in tune with what's going on, a lot of this is conditioning, family functioning, if one felt they could not express their needs and boundaries  then many times they would stop owning their feelings and experiences,  and would lose touch with their bodies. Which is known as dissociation.
As she spoke about this I felt all the times I left my body when I felt uncomfortable, when I felt I couldn't express what I needed or how I felt if someone stepped too close into my space.

It's sort of a surreal experience, I think a bit of the french film, Fantastic Planet, when all of the blue people are meditating and leave their bodies to go to other worlds, leaving their bodies behind, but instead of this being a healthy experience, leaving your body in this way, it becomes damaging experience by not expressing and owning how you feel. Not being able to set boundaries for yourself. We can only control our own bodies and the way we feel, and if we don't do this it can be very destructive to one's self.

As she talked she told me a bit about the relationship she had with her Husband, also a teacher of the Alexander technique. She told me how they took time every morning to have tea together, and how they also took time to just "be". They would lay down in a sort of restorative posture, their heads propped up on books. She explained how crucial this was in the beginning of their relationship, how it saved it in a sense. This "non-doing" the just being in the body, they would sit and talk and look at the ceiling.
She showed me and I laid down on the floor with her.
Within minutes I felt incredibly grounded and at ease, like there was nothing to accomplish, nor their need be anything to accomplish. It was just a matter of feeling your body supported by the earth. She asked me to try opening my legs straight on the floor. To feel what happens when I did this, the opening.
And that is what happened, my body opened and felt longer.

Non-doing is a huge principle of the technique. We spoke of the culture we live in, and how we are a very achieving culture. She explained to me, how she stopped trying to work so grandly because it began wiping her out and so she changed her focus to a more personal one, "it's a different way of being in the world, to take joy in the simple things." Like having tea together in the morning, or the way she showed me her backyard and she smelled the orange from the tree.
The work she does to share this with other's has a lot to do with the notion that people do not have the tools to have a positive daily experience. This is what she wants to bring to people, coming from a place of love and compassion. Mamma Eva told me recently,  you must love what you do, if you don't, don't do it.

a stone i was given to remember my experience.

I asked Debby what she thought love was:

"Whoa i don't really know.

Love is a very difficult word to talk about, I'll talk around it. I think I bring a lot of love to my work. I have a lot of respect for people who want to change, and they have a lot of courage, to seek help of another when you're in need, it takes a lot of courage.

People have to have a false self to present to others- i feel for the burden that imposes, so i think i bring loving kindness , trying to create space for them to explore who they are.

But thats what i would call it.

There's many kinds of love, theres the love i found for our new cat, and I'm surprised by it because its a new thing .

An appreciation, a sense of wonder about everything."

After this meeting I wanted nothing more then a cat to cuddle up with, my wish came true when I found my white neighborhood cat prancing around the next day. I laid on the grass and she cuddled next to me, so peaceful. I asked, "what do you have to teach me guru?" She purred and curled around on the grass. More non-doing.

Back to Debby's where she worked on me a little. I stood and she asked me to feel the light radiating from my back. To breathe more fully from certain parts of my body, allowing myself to be longer, have more space, and yet still feel rooted to the ground. We walked around a bit and her soft touch allowed me the ability to move and open in a gentle way that felt so different then anything I can describe. It's hard to explain the experience, but I felt open, lighter, and even empowered. 

She asked me to not try to lift my chest so much, to let go of the effort. I asked her why that kept coming up, I kept putting the effort in, thinking their must be more i needed to do for it to be right.

She replied, 

"We're trained to try hard.

I was brought up to believe the harder I try, the more i would learn.

We're a doing culture, not a  being culture.

If we're not doing then we think we're not accomplishing.

When people come here and have an experience of non-doing, they don't have words for it, its a lower brain experience. "

Then she spoke about grace, and how its the birthright of having space, taking up the space you are intended to have, not impinging on anyone but not impinging on yourself.

You can change your mood and life dramatically just by the way you allow yourself to have space in the world. That was an amazing notion that I had not really given too much thought to before. How important it is to be in our bodies, allowing ourselves our feelings and giving ourselves the space we deserve.

The new experience she had given me was something she lived for she explained, 'if we lived each day like that, asking ourselves what new options or experiences are available to us, then we could live in a more positive way'- 

"with a sense of wonder...It's a way to maintain a positive outlook in the midst of painful realities."

Lastly I asked her a wish as I always do, A wish on what she wished everyone would learn

She told me, 

"I guess I would wish that everyone could learn that whatever their feeling is true for them, and that they don't have to be ashamed of it, or embarrassed or deny it.

To own one's own true experience, I think would be a great thing to learn."

thanks Debby for meeting with me.

Here's a quote she shared:

If you’re an alive body, no one can tell you how to experience the world. And no one can tell you what truth is because you experience it for yourself.

Stanley Keleman

You can reach Debby at debby@debbyjay.com and debbyjay.com .

And me at courtneybird.com

Credit also to Michael Gelb on effort and trying hard.