Friday, October 11, 2013

it is what it is

I'm sitting in front of a mirror.

Whenever I sit this way, cross legged, I think of a dream I had a long time ago with an ex-boyfriend who is still a friend and who I hold in highest regard.
In the dream he had told me, "We heal ourselves by seeing ourselves."
And we sat meditating in front of the mirror together.

The other day I saw birds flying out of my chest, I was in a class with my Aunt but I felt all this beautiful strange freedom, release and liberty moving from my heart center.

While I was in New York I found out someone I have been in love with for 2 years got engaged.
It was surreal and yet another dream had told me this was to come before i found out.
I had been prepared for this in Mexico, I saw it in my dream, but had forgotten and it still came as a punch in the chest.
The part of me that envisioned me marrying him and being with him one day was slowly shattering and being left behind.
But a huge part of my heart didn't want to accept it, the child there wanted to jump and scream and say it's not possible.
I didn't tell him how I really felt because I couldn't find it in my heart to do that to him.
What I really wanted was to just be happy for him, to be genuinely happy.

Before I left for my 4 month trip I fell in love with a soul named Tom. He would tell me stories in flemish, dance with me to Bobby Mcferrin, and sit naked with me down by the stream.
When I first saw him I knew that we had known each other, there was this reflection and just recognition.
We sat under a tree and I held hands with him and my brother as we Ohm-ed.

This person has been there for me during my whole trip, in times when I felt most afraid or anxious.
And yet giving myself to this relationship is not easy.
My heart is still so in love with this person who is slowly fading away.

Like a star in the sky.

Today I am fasting, yesterday I spent time with this beautiful 21 yr old named Renee, she told me that fasting is one of the best forms of prayer.
You can receive answers, clarity and faith.
Her Mom said a prayer for me on the phone.

To be human, we experience so much, the heart can take so much, we can navigate through so much. Today my friend Rose wrote this to me:

"some are blossoming,  some are sleeping

we all turn into flowers when we accept the sun

when we drink rain and not feel guilty

when we curl around one another and grow faster when someone is singing"


this morning I talked to friends from Israel, France, Germany, New York and here in Los Angeles.

Ha, it feels like such a blessing to be able to talk to people from all over the world.

I love my friends so incredibly much, and my family.

I love my sisters, the way they create their homes, the way they reflect light, the way they laugh at me and all my strange forms of being.

Two days ago me and my little sister went down to the pier, the water jumped up at us and splashed over us.
We screamed and laughed.
That is sort of how life works, you never know what wave will wash over u and what will make u smile or surprise laugh.

You never know who you are about to encounter.

Yesterday I did a surprise interview with someone I had been introduced to almost a year ago.
His name is Timothy Conway, he wrote this amazing book called "Women of Grace and Power"
I had been at a Satsung of his once at his house and I will always remember the calm, beautiful, and peaceful nature he holds.
He said;

"Everything is vanishing moment to moment, everything that we thought was problematic is vanishing moment to moment.
I asked him what he wished, or thought was good for people to learn?
he said
" People will learn what they are supposed to learn, serendipity, a lot of it is surprising and creative and fun. But really for people to know they are made of love, we are made of this divine love and light.- This is what I am , realization."
And then he said, " we all have kindred souls we're vibrating with, everyone at our deepest being is our soul mate... If we're loving harmonious beings things will come up, patience, courageous, to be open to guidance, and follow it when given.
This is a divine dream, and when we come home to love, everything seems like a beautiful manifestation of love."

He told me that I would bring tremendous fruits into the world because I am in love with love and people. Sometimes I feel bad about this, how much I can fall in love or how greatly I can love so many people. My meditation told me today, "be kind with yourself, it's ok to have all these feelings."

I'm going to finish my fast, go walk in the sun, make some more art, animate and enjoy today, I'm going to receive clarity, take action, and move in the direction of my dreams.
I will laugh and enjoy.

I will move into lightness and remember this is a great dream and play, I just have to play my part the way that feels most natural and right to me.
I am so grateful to every opportunity to grow, may I live in peace and continual fertility.

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