accidents

i woke up from my dream this morning feeling like this.

it was so dark, the dream that was.

it was like this painting i made ages ago. there's so much light around

but

the images in my head felt so dark.

cloudy.i was in a car. my car. my red old mustang. the 65. its chicago and its snowy. i'm over near the 6 corners going to damen avenue. My breaks are a little faulty. and as i try to push nothing happens. Well no, they start to slow but not nearly enough in time. I think maybe i wont hit the car in front of me.

but i do.

then that car hits the next and that one the next, and that one rear ends the next til the 4th car hits an electrical wire. There are lots of children and people around the intersection, but noone's hurt.
i close my eyes.i leave. i'm worried about all the lives i've screwed up in the processes. but the light turns green as this happens and i just go.

it feels better to disappear.

but i cant really disappear.

i find myself at a bar later with my friend Ricky. Ali has text me to tell me he's in town. I feel so relieved. I just need to talk to him, to someone. There's something about his calm outlook on life that I adore. Something about this peace in him that anyone would thrive off being around.

i see him. i remember looking at his face for awhile. trying to discern it, its like a dali painting though, slightly moving, melting but not really.

the next minute he's just him again.

and after whats been awhile, people have come and gone, surrounded us and then left us alone he says,

"so then it was just a dream?"

i think hard for a moment and say. well i dont know. the line between my real life and dreams are so blurred these days.

but then i wake up here in thousand oaks and it is.

i breathe for a little while. the taste of that dreams makes me want a coffee. something to completely erase it. ANd then This, above. It's a photo i took with Delaram in LA a few days ago, but it's that light, that moment. I received in an email from a friend in New York.

Who spoke of pleasure, guilt, and all things in life worth living for.

and i let go of the dream. the fear of accidents that may affect too many people.

the sort of accidents i want to create are like these.

these lights that illuminate one thing to the next.

i fell asleep with a bit of too much wine last night.

i felt like an old widow, but it was cozy all the same.