mmmmm....happenings

my camera hasn't been working.

it's a simple fix of  battery charger but I've actually enjoyed a month off of documenting life.
Ever since I bought that camera before I left for India it had become my other arm, there to document and freeze those moments in which I knew words couldn't create. Colors and faces and experiences that an image could speak about in infinite ways.

I'm in Santa Cruz, this place has become a strange magnet for me, with people I am magnetized to.
There is no time here, and the days come and go like the ride of the sea, washing over me as i lay floating in it. Like I'm 5 and there is no where to be and no responsibility to attend to.

My heart is opening wider to the idea of enjoying everything, worrying less and relaxing more.
I'm reading Patti Smith's "Just Kids" and I am soo in love with this book. The way she weaves words and the story of two artists who go from nothing to making such a mark on this world. It creates so much faith in my own storyline.
I remember interviewing a friend in LA, what she learned this year was that
"you can make something outta nothing."

Don't be discouraged by where you are, so much is possible.
we really can't foresee the blessings or the breakthroughs, we just have to keep falling into them.
Moving through the intuitive flow, reaching out, showing up, letting it happen.

Warm mornings and synchronistic moments.
Less asking and more seeing.
warm tea and smiling faces.
explosive giggle fits and the sound of crickets.
rolling fog and african dance music.
dark chocolate and red socks.
finding feathers and migrating butterflies.
long distance phone calls and white light.
warm love and embraced bodies.

mmm .
its almost sunset hear. People laugh on the porch, I'm in this sleepy hazy mood and just want to sink into enjoying where i am and reading this book until night comes.
Maybe a task here and there but for the most part- stillness.

I am grateful.

it is what it is

I'm sitting in front of a mirror.

Whenever I sit this way, cross legged, I think of a dream I had a long time ago with an ex-boyfriend who is still a friend and who I hold in highest regard.
In the dream he had told me, "We heal ourselves by seeing ourselves."
And we sat meditating in front of the mirror together.

The other day I saw birds flying out of my chest, I was in a class with my Aunt but I felt all this beautiful strange freedom, release and liberty moving from my heart center.

While I was in New York I found out someone I have been in love with for 2 years got engaged.
It was surreal and yet another dream had told me this was to come before i found out.
I had been prepared for this in Mexico, I saw it in my dream, but had forgotten and it still came as a punch in the chest.
The part of me that envisioned me marrying him and being with him one day was slowly shattering and being left behind.
Acceptance.
But a huge part of my heart didn't want to accept it, the child there wanted to jump and scream and say it's not possible.
I didn't tell him how I really felt because I couldn't find it in my heart to do that to him.
What I really wanted was to just be happy for him, to be genuinely happy.

Before I left for my 4 month trip I fell in love with a soul named Tom. He would tell me stories in flemish, dance with me to Bobby Mcferrin, and sit naked with me down by the stream.
When I first saw him I knew that we had known each other, there was this reflection and just recognition.
We sat under a tree and I held hands with him and my brother as we Ohm-ed.

This person has been there for me during my whole trip, in times when I felt most afraid or anxious.
And yet giving myself to this relationship is not easy.
My heart is still so in love with this person who is slowly fading away.

Like a star in the sky.

Today I am fasting, yesterday I spent time with this beautiful 21 yr old named Renee, she told me that fasting is one of the best forms of prayer.
You can receive answers, clarity and faith.
Her Mom said a prayer for me on the phone.

To be human, we experience so much, the heart can take so much, we can navigate through so much. Today my friend Rose wrote this to me:

"some are blossoming,  some are sleeping

we all turn into flowers when we accept the sun

when we drink rain and not feel guilty

when we curl around one another and grow faster when someone is singing"

---------------

this morning I talked to friends from Israel, France, Germany, New York and here in Los Angeles.

Ha, it feels like such a blessing to be able to talk to people from all over the world.

I love my friends so incredibly much, and my family.

I love my sisters, the way they create their homes, the way they reflect light, the way they laugh at me and all my strange forms of being.

Two days ago me and my little sister went down to the pier, the water jumped up at us and splashed over us.
We screamed and laughed.
Surprise. 
That is sort of how life works, you never know what wave will wash over u and what will make u smile or surprise laugh.

You never know who you are about to encounter.

Yesterday I did a surprise interview with someone I had been introduced to almost a year ago.
His name is Timothy Conway, he wrote this amazing book called "Women of Grace and Power"
I had been at a Satsung of his once at his house and I will always remember the calm, beautiful, and peaceful nature he holds.
He said;

"Everything is vanishing moment to moment, everything that we thought was problematic is vanishing moment to moment.
I asked him what he wished, or thought was good for people to learn?
he said
" People will learn what they are supposed to learn, serendipity, a lot of it is surprising and creative and fun. But really for people to know they are made of love, we are made of this divine love and light.- This is what I am , realization."
And then he said, " we all have kindred souls we're vibrating with, everyone at our deepest being is our soul mate... If we're loving harmonious beings things will come up, patience, courageous, to be open to guidance, and follow it when given.
This is a divine dream, and when we come home to love, everything seems like a beautiful manifestation of love."

He told me that I would bring tremendous fruits into the world because I am in love with love and people. Sometimes I feel bad about this, how much I can fall in love or how greatly I can love so many people. My meditation told me today, "be kind with yourself, it's ok to have all these feelings."

I'm going to finish my fast, go walk in the sun, make some more art, animate and enjoy today, I'm going to receive clarity, take action, and move in the direction of my dreams.
I will laugh and enjoy.

I will move into lightness and remember this is a great dream and play, I just have to play my part the way that feels most natural and right to me.
I am so grateful to every opportunity to grow, may I live in peace and continual fertility.

It's time for me to re-new my website.
It's time for me to find a home.
It's time for me to animate some stars.

The order of these three things happening will probably not be how I wrote them.

Animating stars will happen in the next hour, updating website will be in a week, and finding a home will probably be in the next month.

Now everything is perception so I could easily change all of these but I think that time line is what sounds and feels most right to me.

I'm at my sister's in Santa Barbara.
It's a cute town here, beautiful and it's nice to see my sister.
Last night I saw my little sister and she's head over heels in love and it's incredibly beautiful and entertaining to watch.
It's nice to see people you love glow.

I sat next to a woman from Chicago at my sister's restuarant.
We talked about Cocteau Twins, Sam Cooke, Sigur Ros and other music that had touched us in some way.
She was significantly older then me, but maybe only by 8 years.

Some how we began opening ourselves more and more. We talked about psychic perceptions, about the way we know something feels right or wrong and how you can choose to ignore red flags or really see them, we talked about the dream world.
I've always had a vivid dream world, ever since I can remember. And often times I have been able to communicate with people I love in dreams or receive messages from them or other worlds it feels. 
The most vivid and recent message I got was the day I left New York and I had given birth in a dream, my Mom told me in the dream, "this child is going to heal yourself and your family and many people in the world."
I never saw the baby, I just remember the feeling, as if I had created something very powerful and new. It may have been a birth to myself or who knows, a foreshadow of whats to come.

I dreamt of moonstone two nights ago, of black feather earrings that had crystals like stars in them.
I sang with a drum in my dream and put water on the drum to open it up.

(a healing Mandala my friend Tom made me)

At the end of my night this woman I was sitting with had to take a phone call from her mom. You could tell it was a hard phone call and then she began to tell me a story that was going on, you could see how heavy it weighed on her heart.
I told her how important it is to love your family and hold space but how you can't carry their pain. The best you can do for them is visualize them happy and have faith that they will get through it. Because everything passes, everything changes and I believe everything has the power to heal.
Patience and laughter.
Two of my saving graces.

Stages.


I've loved being back because it's been so nice to see and catch up with people I love.
It seems like so many people have evolved so incredibly in only 4-5 months.
But I guess a lot can happen in that time, we're all like caterpillars, continually evolving and taking shape.

Well on my list of things to do I wrote ; "write a story."
The story I'm writing is my own though.
Today I woke up, to my sister, she had to leave early , I moved my car, the sky was grey, I had showerd warm water all over my skin and I read from this book of magic of the Qabala, while i sipped warm milk brown tea, i found a passage that read:
"There is much to learn and an eternity to learn it, but before we can learn the new, we must unlearn the old...You may notice that it appears quite simple, but this is the first that must be learned. It is in the simple that the great can be found. 
Build your universe from a simple and strong foundation.
You are surprised that I say "build." But that is what you will be doing. For as you discover the universe, you will recreate your own. ..

We are only limited by ourselves.

We are never given a dream or a wish without also being given the means and the power to make it manifest."

ted andrews

"things are hidden only to be revealed at a latter time."
)mark 4:22(