Sunday, August 25, 2013

regalitos de la dia

full belly, rainy day.

i can't stop listening to this music a friend sent me awhile ago. this one song continually says "stay open."
and i just love that line, the whole feeling of the song, its like sensual and sleepy . haha

today i met a boy who took a crystal i received as a gift and wrapped it in purple macromeye. It was so cool to watch him hand make this necklace for me. All for 50 pesos, which is about 4 dollars.

I don't know why I woke up with some doubts and anxiety, I opened a book called the 72 names of God. I got it for a friend who helped fund my project and have been carrying it around ever since. The page I opened to was "Fear-less". It talks about stepping into your fears to reveal light and really ask yourself, "what am i afraid of?"

It was a good question. So I went up to the roof of the hostel to talk to the sky, dance, stretch and eat breakfast.
I asked myself my fears and spoke them aloud.
I'm afraid of being alone.
I'm afraid I won't have enough.
I'm afraid I'll never stop moving.
I'm afraid I won't find one community.
I'm afraid of knowing my Father.
I'm afraid that I won't accomplish my dreams.
I'm afraid i don't know what I want.
The list went on for some time.

Then I asked myself what I was grateful for, or what I loved about myself.
I'm grateful that I am here.
I am grateful that I take care of myself and my body.
I am grateful to my art.
I am grateful that I follow my dreams.
I am grateful that I listen to my inner voice.
I am grateful that I have such amazing friends.
I am grateful that I can inspire my family.
And the list went on.

I danced and felt a little lighter.

Then I spent the day walking around this little european looking city.
I thought of what a friend said the other day, "don't move until you know it is right, don't move until you know it is right"
No need to rush.

For a minute I really wanted to try to make it to NY for a vision quest in mid September. Which is a Native American tradition where you go out into the wilderness and spend 3 nights and days without eating or drinking and receive visions. It sounds really intense but also , I don't know , really beautiful and I'm drawn to it.  I'm at a point where I am asking for visions on how to navigate through the path. But at the same time, I feel I am also on my own vision quest in Mexico and to cut my time short here would be counter productive in some way. It's all perspective I suppose.
But for some reason an artists exhibition name comes to mind;
"Take your time."
So i feel I may be guided to take my time here and finish up my Mexico Chapter as I feel theres still a lot to explore in the month.

Mali cooked an amazing dinner of rice and veggies. I moved over to her house to stay for a night or two before moving to the community.
Where ever I am I am never really alone and I love how open people .

Earlier this year I had a vision of being pregnant, people kept telling me and my ex Ben that I was going to have a child. Ha, thats what happens when you're in a very spiritual community with astrologists, psychics and shamans, they project what they feel. And then it was strange, I began to feel it too.
After things ended I also felt the possibility fade away, it was strange and sort of one of the hardest things about the ending.  Almost like an emptiness. That possibility and fertility being turned off. Not that I really think I was going to have a baby that year, but still there was this strange beautiful energy and possibility there, like a portal.
But it's funny, I'm being to feel it again. I don't know how or why, and can't explain it, but its comforting. I feel guided and protected almost. I don't have a solid partnership or a grounded home, but I do feel all this fertility.

Sometimes I lose myself a bit and ask what I am doing with the Wish Book.
But today I found an article written over a year ago in India and it was like, to hear someone else's perspective, I remembered why I was doing it. And it's about every interaction, every person I get to talk with and see them share their dreams! I remember, and maybe its the journey and less the outcome.

its sort of crazy the amount of people I've gotten to meet and work with.
I am so grateful to this beautiful strange unfolding dream and life.
Wishes change everyday, and every day is such a mystery, but every day is a gift.

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