renewal - refinding things

(photo found online)
it's almost one am.

I am 26 years old, Tom is sitting next to me listening to a song he just composed with his hand on my tummy.

We just returned back from a movie, I treated us with the money my Aunt had sent me in the mail. It was like being 6 and receiving birthday mail. it made my day and she sent it with a stone that said Magic on it.

The movie was all about life and death. About pain and sadness, beauty and gratitude.

 The other day I was online and I saw an old friend from high school post a picture of himself with his last treatment of Chemo from 6 months of therapy. This film was about kids who had suffered from cancer.

Lately I have been feeling this parallel and this incredible sense of impermanence. Death is not around me and yet my aliveness reminds me that one day I will no longer live. 

Tom sang a song to me while sitting on a cushion about two lovers meeting in a field, he leaves her where she laid and I asked him what it was about . He told me "Love, loss, and hope."

I asked him why loss? (Why loss my heart cries?) I knew the answer but he replied, "because we lose everything one day."

My eyes began to water and I remember feeling this deep sadness and understanding.

I will look at Tom sometimes and see how precious our life is, his being alive is, our loving each other in this moment and I'll find myself weeping. It sounds silly and it is, silly, real , beautiful and heart opening.

The movie reminded me of that, again and again, over and over I remember to give thanks, to cherish what I have, to really focus on how blessed I am. Not to get caught in dominance, or power or lack or the stories that corrupt the beauty of the moment.

 It's a continual flowering to remember what a blessing our lives are. How special the people are in it, and how lucky we truly are..

There are so many angels continually blessing us.

I found a page in a journal that simply said;

"the universe loves grateful people
release judgements about yourself"

-------

I wrote the above about a week ago, I'm in LA now, the breeze is coming in the door, water is boiling on the stove , and I am waiting for two dear friends to arrive and take me to a show in LA.

Life is continually surprising me with its beauty. With love, with strangers and old friends.

Yesterday I saw my ex-boyfriend Ben. I had been carrying this book with me from Central America for over half a year. He had so generously supported my kickstarter project and in exchange I wanted to give him a small token of gratitude. I was surprised at how incredible it felt to see him, to just laugh and laugh and laugh. It felt like a good surreal dream.

This was the first time I have ever re-connected with any past love that I have been intimately close with and in a context where I am in a closed relationship and there is no agenda but to just be open. I just felt love, the sort of love I feel when I see my best friend Amy. In this moment there was no possession, no hurt, no strangeness, just joy and relief in a way.

There is something to say about facing your fears, and trusting your heart, and practicing or being unconditional love.

Tom blessed my going to see Ben, he had no insecurities or cares, that I could tell. I have always been given freedom from Tom, where it really counts, and that is a blessing. And freedom really belongs to all of us, freedom and boundaries. It's this strange and beautiful balance that only our hearts can define for us. Tom told me before I left "go get smoothies, go to the pier, get on the carousel! :)." He was joking but at the same time totally serious. It's all just love.

 Love is like energy- it doesn't really break, it only changes form. 

My grandpa is sick, he is old, I love him. He squeezes my hand and holds it firmly , he nods and today when I looked over and asked, "what do you think I should do Poopah?" He smiled and closed his eyes tightly, what I saw him say without words is Trust, what the heart knows cannot be seen through the eyes, and what will happen is an unfolding mystery you can only live.

I hiked with my Aunt today, we were in the Santa Monica mountains and found some native America structures. A board asked that we connect with the purity of Boney Mountain, and that it was a place for vision quests and the shaman's journey. 

I prayed and let nature speak to me, the dancing butterflies, the happy dogs with owners and the crows who left me a feather to play with in my fingers.

Amy has come and gone again, a soul sister who always comes to me when I really feel I could use a sister. Life is that way, it gives us all sort of medicine, herbal, humans, animals and magic. My medicine this time was Amy. Amy teaches me play, silliness and fun, over and over again. She teaches me about the spirit of no rules. I see why all these mirrors are so important for me.

My Grandpa is teaching me about the importance of life ! To be alive! What a dance, a brief magical dance.

Go for it, breathe, and know its all happening perfectly.

Even when things break, its all transformation for the highest good.

Crow medicine is about life's mysteries and magic, the sign of luck, the key words are destiny,  personal transformation and alchemy.

:) Yes please. more crow magic.

I set an intention for light hearted sweetness, thats what i got, my intention tonight it blissful happiness, and surprise.

I am so grateful for life's blessings.

Space, Grace, and Tea

"let it come."

a girl said this out loud to us at a group during a baby blessing two Sundays ago.

a sweet soul named Lila was on her 120th day of pregnancy. I had met Lila once before and had felt extremely connected to her. She had this beauty and softness to her that immediately drew me in.
She found me through my drawings online, she didn't even know we had met before but I recognized her immediately.  After we re-connected she invited me to share this day.

It was at their home called the Garden House. A group of women sat in a group singing, sharing stories, gifts, offerings to her to bless her baby.
She shared tears of joy and of remembrance, her honesty, vulnerability and deep feeling was so beautiful.

It's 3:13 pm. Soon I leave to go cover a friends shift at this place called India Joze.
It's a very simple job and I like the humbling aspect of it. Some days there I find myself challenged and ask what I'm doing with my path and other days I see the perfect order in all actions and the small steps on the path.

This morning was filled with a "Golden Buddha" tea, reading about prosperity, sunlight, cuddling and butterflies flying about signifying spring.

The camino is on my mind since Tom began talking about it. I remember in Barcelona my friend Ivan used to talk about the camino , that was nearly 5 years ago, he wanted to go with his partner at the time. That was a rocky time for our friendship. Boundaries overstepped, fire and fire creating more chaos. It was a part of my path though, and my karma, learning these lessons of restraint, intuition and unconditional love.
But I think he did go on the camino, of what he told me it was a rocky path with him, more on the path of love and his relations then anything, but since we've last spoken he seems to have a much more settled life in London now.

But Tom and I are inspired to go. Anything involving an adventure, strangers, a opportunity to document and film a path intrigues me. Not to mention Europe. It's been 5 years since I have returned there.
I have faith in our path , in the doors opening for us, We're always held, and we've already been through all sorts of fire. Unconditional love really is the only way to go. When the fire gets hot, the ego gets dissolved and acceptance remains. It's amazing how much stronger one can become through every illusion.

Whenever disharmony arises the line comes...
"What do you do when the illusion of separateness arises?
you love
you just love."

.....
It's a few days since I last wrote here.
It's late now and its night. these are some recent drawings.

introspection. harmony. dreams.

It's april fools day.

I told Tom that I peed blue and there was a fish in my pee. He looked at me wide eyed and said "Blue??"

Then.... "...a fish..?.. What does that mean??"

April Fool's !

I like excuses to be silly.

We talked for a long time today, it felt good to hear him. To hear him speak of the mind. I felt high and there was a glowing light around him. The aura I guess you would call it, it was yellow white against an yellow ochre wall.

My heart feels open, I feel connected, slow, I'm in a transition and I know the only way through it is acceptance, gratitude, love and patience.

I talked to a soul sister from Los Angeles today, she reminded me of how everything is an illusion. Even lack, and how important it is to be grateful for what we have right now.

I hope to connect with some of those LA souls soon. I may even take an impromptu with Tom tomorrow.

Will see what is aligned in the stars. 

Tour with Ivy Meadows and Itasca

I left to tour the midwest with two of my closest friends about 4 days ago.
Time is so elapsed, its like you're moving through spaces and places and sharing every day its really surreal.
Some days the groups are bigger, some days smaller.
It's always an adventure to see where you will be next.
It's a different kind of travelling then I've done before, less just exploring and more extremely intentional. You go to each of these places with an intention to share what you've made and are making. And then you have space to explore whats around, all this sweet unpredictability.
I sang yesterday over Camilla's tracks and it felt so good. My voice still raspy from being sick but low sweet ohmm's, chants, my own made up language and something along the lines of "flow, flow , take it slooow/"
i bought a tiny green turtle for someone today and i've been more aligned with that animal this year then many others, there's a path towards slowing down that i am on. 
It's light flight and rest.

Our first show in Philly we stayed with a really sweet guy who had an awesome art space. His house was littered with beautiful art creations and collaged dream catchers that he'd give out to people while he was on his writing tours. He gave me one of his books that we're all about sharing the work and moving it forward. My favourite in there was the story of the mystic.

I love mystics and their simple magic. 

Then we went to Baltimore where we stayed with a good friend Ami that I hadn't seen since India!

I got to chill and meditate in her cozy space and came out of it and into a delicious warm dinner of some of the best home made indian food I'd ever had.

We all jammed while she played her sitar. I tried out the synth and my favourite setting was the forest rain, the one where it sounded like i was just playing a bunch of rain sticks.

We did late night tarot, I had a really positive reading for my art showing new beginnings, projects, and moving into a blessed space of serenity and celebration. Sounds good to me!

We woke to coffee and I took some photos and interviewed her and her incredibly sweet boyfriend.

Then we had a long drive to end up at a venue in Ohio, a giant coffee venue with beautiful paintings on the wall.

This incredible music called OMBRE was playing when we walked in and it just felt good to arrive.

Camilla and I did one of my favorite sets yet and before that we made it to a show down the road where this girl sang over and over " I could crack and fall", there was a beauty, a strength, a vulnerability and a grace to her voice. I was mesmerized. 

We went to the lake today, bought little gifts for people we love and now we're all at the coffee shop getting into our own worlds of reflections. About to leave for the next show to set up.

I've been surrendering myself to the present moment and really soaking in the gift of this.

Certain challenges have come up but as soon as i let go of resistance, the demons and the struggle really fades away,

Durability and innocence.

Before tour I spent 2 wks in New York.

I got to see people I love and spend a week with Tom who I have fallen into this deep space of unconditional love and friendship with. It's one of the most transformative and healing relationships I have ever been through and in. We laughed, played, drew, sang with my roomie ben and ran around the city being blessed by people and things. It was an incredible high of magic and love. 

It was hard to have him leave, I ran after him on the street to say good bye to him one more time and give him his journal at 4 am. I got a cold after this but was well worth the running through the streets in slippers and a night gown.

Oh strange magic, oh life, oh the waves, the unraveling mystery.

Here and now in Ohio.

I hope everyone gets to explore what they love and they envision or to their fullest potential. All these gateways, all these opportunities to walk through, and these moments to just sink into gratitude.

Lots of fire! and in the fire is purification.

oh me, oh my, eskimo pie . ;)

"we're all crazy- we're just humans"--- kayla

NEW YORK

Back in New York.

Man I love this place with my whole heart and soul.

The people, the magic, the people, the magic.
It never really ends.

Every day since I got here has been this beautiful blur of blessings.

I just returned from a ten day silent meditation retreat.
Which was like a death and re-birth.

I wish I could write more about it, but simple as that 9 days of solitude and one day of sheer ecstatic shared bliss.
9 days to be with yourself and sift through the depths and shadows of ur soul, all the while learning to focus on the sensations of the body and realize it is ALL so temporary. All so impermanent. Move out of the suffering, out of the pain, because it will pass. You are not your thoughts.

It was a gift.

i cant even insert any images that could paint the sort of beauty i have been experiencing in my life.

the waves, the waves, the waves.
they are always worth it to come back here to the here and now.
there is nothing wrong and you're right where you're meant to be.

I'll be spending the next 2 and a half wks with some of the most brilliant people I know.
Living in a cozy room with a shaman tarot deck, plants , a meditation spot, a desk to draw on and nothing but beautiful books to feast on.
blessed.

all these opportunities to share are coming up and its just so amazing the gifts the universe gives you when u just open yourself up to receiving.

my eyes are so tired but my heart and mind so awake.
i was at a poetry reading tonight and saw so many people I am in love with. Men and women.
I cuddled into my friend Rose's lap and listening to people's beautifully honest words fill the room.
Laughter and brutality. Vulnerability and magic.
One girl spoke of hands creating a shadow boat in the air with no waves to sail on.
Another sang little melodies through the chapters, his voice melting my heart.

This guy Bryce,- good friends with Camilla - who I am touring with next month told me about when Alejandro Jodorowsky read his tarot in Paris.
I laughed, ate banana bread and kept on recognizing all these people's beauty and reflecting it back.
I felt like I had taken drugs. I love happiness, happiness and sharing happiness is the best drug there is.

Now it is nearly 2 am and I felt 20 again.
20 or 25 it doesn't matter.
it's all good.

i am going to drift into this hazy blanket of sleep now, with soft light and stars twinkling.
the universe is a shimmery magical gunk that is always changing, as soon as you think you've grasped it, it reforms and turns into something wonderful.

mmmmm....happenings

my camera hasn't been working.

it's a simple fix of  battery charger but I've actually enjoyed a month off of documenting life.
Ever since I bought that camera before I left for India it had become my other arm, there to document and freeze those moments in which I knew words couldn't create. Colors and faces and experiences that an image could speak about in infinite ways.

I'm in Santa Cruz, this place has become a strange magnet for me, with people I am magnetized to.
There is no time here, and the days come and go like the ride of the sea, washing over me as i lay floating in it. Like I'm 5 and there is no where to be and no responsibility to attend to.

My heart is opening wider to the idea of enjoying everything, worrying less and relaxing more.
I'm reading Patti Smith's "Just Kids" and I am soo in love with this book. The way she weaves words and the story of two artists who go from nothing to making such a mark on this world. It creates so much faith in my own storyline.
I remember interviewing a friend in LA, what she learned this year was that
"you can make something outta nothing."

Don't be discouraged by where you are, so much is possible.
we really can't foresee the blessings or the breakthroughs, we just have to keep falling into them.
Moving through the intuitive flow, reaching out, showing up, letting it happen.

Warm mornings and synchronistic moments.
Less asking and more seeing.
warm tea and smiling faces.
explosive giggle fits and the sound of crickets.
rolling fog and african dance music.
dark chocolate and red socks.
finding feathers and migrating butterflies.
long distance phone calls and white light.
warm love and embraced bodies.

mmm .
its almost sunset hear. People laugh on the porch, I'm in this sleepy hazy mood and just want to sink into enjoying where i am and reading this book until night comes.
Maybe a task here and there but for the most part- stillness.

I am grateful.

it is what it is

I'm sitting in front of a mirror.

Whenever I sit this way, cross legged, I think of a dream I had a long time ago with an ex-boyfriend who is still a friend and who I hold in highest regard.
In the dream he had told me, "We heal ourselves by seeing ourselves."
And we sat meditating in front of the mirror together.

The other day I saw birds flying out of my chest, I was in a class with my Aunt but I felt all this beautiful strange freedom, release and liberty moving from my heart center.

While I was in New York I found out someone I have been in love with for 2 years got engaged.
It was surreal and yet another dream had told me this was to come before i found out.
I had been prepared for this in Mexico, I saw it in my dream, but had forgotten and it still came as a punch in the chest.
The part of me that envisioned me marrying him and being with him one day was slowly shattering and being left behind.
Acceptance.
But a huge part of my heart didn't want to accept it, the child there wanted to jump and scream and say it's not possible.
I didn't tell him how I really felt because I couldn't find it in my heart to do that to him.
What I really wanted was to just be happy for him, to be genuinely happy.

Before I left for my 4 month trip I fell in love with a soul named Tom. He would tell me stories in flemish, dance with me to Bobby Mcferrin, and sit naked with me down by the stream.
When I first saw him I knew that we had known each other, there was this reflection and just recognition.
We sat under a tree and I held hands with him and my brother as we Ohm-ed.

This person has been there for me during my whole trip, in times when I felt most afraid or anxious.
And yet giving myself to this relationship is not easy.
My heart is still so in love with this person who is slowly fading away.

Like a star in the sky.

Today I am fasting, yesterday I spent time with this beautiful 21 yr old named Renee, she told me that fasting is one of the best forms of prayer.
You can receive answers, clarity and faith.
Her Mom said a prayer for me on the phone.

To be human, we experience so much, the heart can take so much, we can navigate through so much. Today my friend Rose wrote this to me:

"some are blossoming,  some are sleeping

we all turn into flowers when we accept the sun

when we drink rain and not feel guilty

when we curl around one another and grow faster when someone is singing"

---------------

this morning I talked to friends from Israel, France, Germany, New York and here in Los Angeles.

Ha, it feels like such a blessing to be able to talk to people from all over the world.

I love my friends so incredibly much, and my family.

I love my sisters, the way they create their homes, the way they reflect light, the way they laugh at me and all my strange forms of being.

Two days ago me and my little sister went down to the pier, the water jumped up at us and splashed over us.
We screamed and laughed.
Surprise. 
That is sort of how life works, you never know what wave will wash over u and what will make u smile or surprise laugh.

You never know who you are about to encounter.

Yesterday I did a surprise interview with someone I had been introduced to almost a year ago.
His name is Timothy Conway, he wrote this amazing book called "Women of Grace and Power"
I had been at a Satsung of his once at his house and I will always remember the calm, beautiful, and peaceful nature he holds.
He said;

"Everything is vanishing moment to moment, everything that we thought was problematic is vanishing moment to moment.
I asked him what he wished, or thought was good for people to learn?
he said
" People will learn what they are supposed to learn, serendipity, a lot of it is surprising and creative and fun. But really for people to know they are made of love, we are made of this divine love and light.- This is what I am , realization."
And then he said, " we all have kindred souls we're vibrating with, everyone at our deepest being is our soul mate... If we're loving harmonious beings things will come up, patience, courageous, to be open to guidance, and follow it when given.
This is a divine dream, and when we come home to love, everything seems like a beautiful manifestation of love."

He told me that I would bring tremendous fruits into the world because I am in love with love and people. Sometimes I feel bad about this, how much I can fall in love or how greatly I can love so many people. My meditation told me today, "be kind with yourself, it's ok to have all these feelings."

I'm going to finish my fast, go walk in the sun, make some more art, animate and enjoy today, I'm going to receive clarity, take action, and move in the direction of my dreams.
I will laugh and enjoy.

I will move into lightness and remember this is a great dream and play, I just have to play my part the way that feels most natural and right to me.
I am so grateful to every opportunity to grow, may I live in peace and continual fertility.

It's time for me to re-new my website.
It's time for me to find a home.
It's time for me to animate some stars.

The order of these three things happening will probably not be how I wrote them.

Animating stars will happen in the next hour, updating website will be in a week, and finding a home will probably be in the next month.

Now everything is perception so I could easily change all of these but I think that time line is what sounds and feels most right to me.

I'm at my sister's in Santa Barbara.
It's a cute town here, beautiful and it's nice to see my sister.
Last night I saw my little sister and she's head over heels in love and it's incredibly beautiful and entertaining to watch.
It's nice to see people you love glow.

I sat next to a woman from Chicago at my sister's restuarant.
We talked about Cocteau Twins, Sam Cooke, Sigur Ros and other music that had touched us in some way.
She was significantly older then me, but maybe only by 8 years.

Some how we began opening ourselves more and more. We talked about psychic perceptions, about the way we know something feels right or wrong and how you can choose to ignore red flags or really see them, we talked about the dream world.
I've always had a vivid dream world, ever since I can remember. And often times I have been able to communicate with people I love in dreams or receive messages from them or other worlds it feels. 
The most vivid and recent message I got was the day I left New York and I had given birth in a dream, my Mom told me in the dream, "this child is going to heal yourself and your family and many people in the world."
I never saw the baby, I just remember the feeling, as if I had created something very powerful and new. It may have been a birth to myself or who knows, a foreshadow of whats to come.

I dreamt of moonstone two nights ago, of black feather earrings that had crystals like stars in them.
I sang with a drum in my dream and put water on the drum to open it up.

(a healing Mandala my friend Tom made me)

At the end of my night this woman I was sitting with had to take a phone call from her mom. You could tell it was a hard phone call and then she began to tell me a story that was going on, you could see how heavy it weighed on her heart.
I told her how important it is to love your family and hold space but how you can't carry their pain. The best you can do for them is visualize them happy and have faith that they will get through it. Because everything passes, everything changes and I believe everything has the power to heal.
Patience and laughter.
Two of my saving graces.

Stages.


I've loved being back because it's been so nice to see and catch up with people I love.
It seems like so many people have evolved so incredibly in only 4-5 months.
But I guess a lot can happen in that time, we're all like caterpillars, continually evolving and taking shape.

Well on my list of things to do I wrote ; "write a story."
The story I'm writing is my own though.
Today I woke up, to my sister, she had to leave early , I moved my car, the sky was grey, I had showerd warm water all over my skin and I read from this book of magic of the Qabala, while i sipped warm milk brown tea, i found a passage that read:
"There is much to learn and an eternity to learn it, but before we can learn the new, we must unlearn the old...You may notice that it appears quite simple, but this is the first that must be learned. It is in the simple that the great can be found. 
Build your universe from a simple and strong foundation.
You are surprised that I say "build." But that is what you will be doing. For as you discover the universe, you will recreate your own. ..

We are only limited by ourselves.

We are never given a dream or a wish without also being given the means and the power to make it manifest."

ted andrews

"things are hidden only to be revealed at a latter time."
)mark 4:22(